Residential Evilness 4
by SheerLuck Home
Summary: Follow Leon as he struggles not to blow his own head off from perpetual lack of professionalism from everyone, including himself. Parody not supplied with cheese even if Mendez is present. Luis and Sadder are waiting for you inside...Ahstray too, unfortunately. The Merchant has food for you, if you want. Krauser is also lurking in a corner, waiting.
1. Welcome To Loco Village

**Residential Evilness 4**

 **Welcome To Loco Village**

Leon 'Secret' Kennedy was on a mission, a very important assignment: the kind that always turns into one gigantic disaster. Well not having a car of his own he had been forced to ask some locals to drive him to the nearby village; and the two Spaniard officers just wouldn't shut up. Kennedy kept his cool, eyes locked on the outside even though the only scenery visible was some desolated, half-burned dying forest. Aside from the gray sky with crows circling around, he did spot some unidentified bones lying on the side of the road or hanged in trees; but mainly it was all fairly welcoming.

The man occupying the passenger seat ordered to stop the car, he had barely opened the door when he emptied his stomach all over the road. Kennedy knew these bastards had been drinking, but hey, he couldn't afford to be too picky right now….well, not in some seemingly abandoned, and quite possibly haunted, road in the middle of nowhere.

The driver turned his way and offered him a smoke, Leon looked at him once and it was enough for the man to shrink away. Meanwhile, the sick guy had stepped outside and was gone somewhere, they did hear him mumble something as he strode away like a snake on legs, but seemed to have disappeared after that. Kennedy wasn't the least concerned, not like they needed him anyway as long as there was one of them driving him there.

The blond still eyed the outside, alternatively focusing his retinas on his reflection then back on the forest and so forth; this was turning into the most interesting moment of his entire week. He did think about having an elaborated monologue in his head but dismissed the bizarre idea. A loud 'thud' was then heard followed by a moan; oh there he was, near the back of the vehicle. The driver finished another cigarette before he sighted and got out, walked to the rear and stood there for a good ten seconds, then returned alone. Leon shot him a questioning stare once they started moving again. The Spaniard cop caught sight of the gray eyes in the rearview mirror but moved his back and forth between the road and Leon's face before offering some explanation.

«Mainly some minor, possibly, maybe deadly injury; nothing to worry about. Just, keep your eyes on the road; we never know. Truth is this happens all the time. »

«Well that's awfully comforting. »

The dumbass officer was in the process of lighting himself another cancerous cylinder when the car drove over a stone thus sent the cigarette up his nose. He pulled it out, along with some other substance, and mouthed it saying; «Santa Maria, these smokes are fine, I don't know what they're made of but they've got that particular taste I can't get enough of. »

The rest of the ride was as excruciating, the ever-irritating Policia was absolutely determined on using his vocal cords; clearly mistaking his passenger for someone interested in social gathering, until the ex-cop was finally able to get out of the smelly car. Though the driver still insisted on maintaining his futile monologue, «….don't want to get any parki—»

Leon closed the door on the guys' hand cutting short to the lame reply then walked away. Shitty punch line unheard, this world has been saved from total annihilation once more; seven points to Kennedy.

Our future-hero walks to the silent house lurking in the distance, doing his job silently until he receives an annoying call. In an attempt to pick up his radio though he presses the wrong button which cuts communication. «Woops…. Oh well, they're pros, I figure they'll call back if it was that damn important it had to trigger the nearby birds to fly off the branches and decorate my newly-bought jacket.

A stylishly nice drip of bird's droppings now covers Leon's right shoulder; oddly enough the pattern looks like a smiley face. The crow's victim just leaves it there for the moment having more important matter at hand….like walking silently towards this silent unexciting house until bad luck is triggered again by his radio. Speaking of feces, it smelled exactly like that all around. Kennedy guessed it would stink that way for the duration of his little adventure in such a forsaken shit hole, whether it was because of this place's original stench or from the horrible smell of the two cops earlier that had taken hold of his oh-so-precious jacket.

Alright enough about the damn coat, both the design and color looks like crap. Safe to conceive that's one reason the locals will steal it later.

The door being wide open was clearly an invitation so the uninvited man just walked in. A peculiar aroma assaulted his nose as if someone had been cooking pig's dung. He processed this must be the result of some local's fine cuisine when he realized someone was tending to the fireplace. Not one to lose time with social rituals and really wanting to get out of the fetid room, Leon walked to the man and pulled a picture out of his back pocket.

«Have you seen this girl? »

Far from looking pleased, or maybe that's just his face, the villager stared at him. Kennedy reiterated, «No, not me; I'm asking you to identify this girl. »

Leon didn't particularly like to be gazed at by some unsavory character with such eerie eyes, especially from this close; so he leveled the picture in front of his own face. Doing this he saw the name written on the back of it, flipping it around he saw an unknown brunette instead of blonde Ashtray.

«Who's Mary Sunderland, moreover how did it got in my pocket? »

Next thing he knows he receives a dead chicken in the face followed by some insults. Kennedy had no time for petty assaults; he is on an important mission for fuck's sakes and it stinks! So without further delay he picked his gun and shot the man in the face which fell limp on the floor, Spaniard also emptied his bladder there. The ex-cop slightly leaned over to have a better look, «At least he's not a zombie», he glanced around then shot him a second time. One could never be too careful especially when they look this abnormal.

Leon had not particularly expected a warm welcome but hadn't imagined receiving rotten food in the face so soon. He walked to an alcove discovering skulls laying there plus maggots playing in and on them, all packed with cobwebs. «Where's Mr. Clean when you need him…?»

He then went up the stairs and found a weirdly made corridor with nothing but a simple table at the end of it near the stairs; there was a fine amount of military equipments on it. «Nothing useful here. » ….Leon then turned to the window at his left, knocked on it twice with his bent index then eyed it some more, and rather suspiciously, «…nah.»

Everything was still going according to some plans he wasn't sure he had devised, as he was proceeding back downstairs though he received another call and fell, «Shi-!» thus fracturing some ribs, breaking his left wrist and whacking his face on the floor hard. He groaned and spat some teeth; «Fuck… where's Rebecca when you need her…? »

Minus seven points.

Outside stood a path at his left, he was walking towards it when he heard the most annoying of noise. It came from a cat being stuck in a bear's trap and the fact that Kennedy was nearing it made the feline panic even more, thus further tearing at the flesh subsequently increasing its terror.

Well Leon is a dog person so he just walked by, if it had been a canine he would have helped the poor animal right away, even pet it afterward; but _meh_. The ex-cop noticed a post sign that read 'Pueblo', and 'Pablo'; the latter was pointing towards the ground where the earth seemed to have been dug through. He looked around, and dismissed the information as not being valuable.

Another trap had been laid further down, a triggering line relying two trees ready to blow with dynamites. Leon was about making his way around it when he noticed being watched by another creepy dude. This one was equipped with a pitchfork and as he started running his way he yelled some insult in Spanish. The word 'imbecile' had been easily identifiable, Leon thought, just before the villager triggered his own trap thus exploding all over the forest. Kennedy eyed the remains, «….indeed.», oh irony.

He ran passed the exploded body and discovered a tiny shack at his left, when Leon stepped in he realized it wasn't any ordinary one. A man and a woman were stuck to the walls with spears; along with their dog, a chicken, one cow, a couple of snakes and crows, plus some big spiders with their legs carefully dismembered. Kennedy shook his head, «Bunch of…what a waste of nutritious food. » He quickly left the morbid display behind and made his way on a fragile suspended bridge, doing so he perceived two villagers over the hill ahead. They were seated having one of their gory pick-nick until they also noticed the intruder, now standing up while pointing at him before disappearing into the forest. Leon slowed down frowning, «Wait, these two weren't there the first time around… re-wait, _what_ ….? »

He went down the downhill passage and was now nearing double heavy doors leading to the village when his radio beeped. In trying to reach the volume it snapped off his belt and the off-switch was pushed upon contact with the ground. Leon figured if it was something truly important, which it really wasn't; then they'd call back. But hopefully not. He crossed the doors leading to the community and soon inhaled in quick successions; Leon recognized the nature of the smell right when he pinpointed its location.

That sweet stench of burned flesh was coming from that Policia he had left behind, no doubt he had been caught merely to be impaled over a nicely furnished fire; no loss there. Kennedy made his way through a tiny passage hoping to pass unnoticed; he really didn't feel like being stabbed through and hanged to a wall, or who knows, have a cow thrown at his face.

He was searching for the next best route when he stepped into cow's dung, or at least he hoped it was of animal nature; not that the result would vary since his ass would still have hit the ground. A woman who had been busy emptying a carcass with her bare hands heard his embarrassing fall and immediately screamed for others to gather at her position. Leon was quick on his feet as I suppose anyone would be seeing the enraged look upon her already-ugly features and hearing some massively-deranged crowd closing in.

No time to debate whether to shoot her or not, Kennedy had to find a safe area to evaluate the situation. He ran inside a house and slammed the door shut, instantly blocking it with a piece of furniture which broke upon the slightest touch. Frowning, he pushed another but it also shattered to pieces, «...what in the…» Revolving around on himself he spotted stairs and ascended them quickly, but before he escaped through a window his eye caught on something traumatizing. The second floor's wall was graced with the portrait of an ominous hooded man, his visage severe; a huge contrast giving the fact that he was also posing in bright-yellow underwear. «Definitely not the kind of man that turns me on…well no man does but errr…shit never mind. And why the fuck am I talking out loud to myself!? »

He neared a window and looked around hastily; the village was fairly small so he could make out two exits aside from the gate he came in from. Downstairs, a window got blasted to pieces but it was the sound of a chainsaw that made Leon stiffen, «….FUCKING GREAT, insane fucking pieces of, of retarded fucks! DAMN IT! » He moved to another windowpane and tried to shatter it with the cross of his pistol but all it did was make his hand numb from the blow. «For fuck's-», he undid the latch and was leaping over the windowsill right as his welcoming party were loudly marching up the stairs.

Most of them maniacs were hectic forcing their way inside, Leon ran to the edge and made sure the chainsaw enthusiast was as busy before jumping down. He decided to run towards the closest exit he had seen; wishing it was indeed a way out but when he arrived at a corner someone grabbed him from behind. Kennedy swiftly sent his head backward probably breaking the attacker's nose, managing to get free but leaving his jacket behind. The villager wailing was already attracting pursuers, regaining his balance Leon kept running, «Screw that I'm not getting killed for a goddamn coat, besides it smells horrible now. »

Now that's a cruel miserable fate, even for a shitty jacket.

Deeper into the gloomy forest, the lonely injured cat died of blood loss, soon its body to be repeatedly perforated by crows; let's all have a whole minute of respectful silence for the coat though.

X+++++++++++X

Our lost-but-determined brave man began walking down some rocky path when he suddenly heard and felt something big hit the ground behind him. Turning around he saw a large boulder come his way, however he remained entirely calm and stepped backward; there was enough space to just stare as the huge rock rolled by and down the hill where it abruptly stopped plus exploded upon impact against the stony hill. Because of that, Leon's eyes widened, next his brows narrowed. Kennedy then looked above towards a suspended bridge at the dumbfounded idiots staring at him before shooting them both in the face. «Imbeciles…. » He then reloaded his pistol four hundred times in a row just because he loved doing that.

Right afterwards he made his way through a small tunnel in which he was assaulted by bats who clearly hated him being blond, and next was almost blown up by some fanatics throwing dynamite sticks. Among all the dodging and running around, the men eventually threw dynamite at each other and died, while another ran across an additional ambush therefore painted the surroundings with his insides as well. Ensnaring was clearly not their forte, among other things. Kennedy avoided some more unconcealed bear traps and shot a padlock, thus gaining access to one more decrepit smelly house. He wished every place he went in this rotten community didn't stink so badly but everything was tainted with the outstanding appetizing fragrance.

Blowing up yet more contraptions, wondering why they bothered filling such a shitty house with so much protection, he started to hear a sound that was being continuously repeated. Either someone was stupidly bashing their head against something, like he had witnessed in Raccoon-Anus City, or they were trapped somewhere. Nonetheless Kennedy prepared his pistol since he knew better than to expect things to turn out satisfactory.

He neared the source of the noise, some old closet of sort; ready to fire at anything coming out that came close to being one of them villagers, or a ghost. In wanting to position himself accordingly beside it in order to keep aim then turn the latch with his other hand, his feet became tangled and he fell. Well he did manage to release the lock anyway but he was now facing the floor as something fell on him.

Then there was a good five minutes of them both trying to improve their situation, Leon having this burden on his back who wouldn't budge and the unknown man being unable to make any productive movements. Eventually the blond had the bright idea to roll on his rear and push the other man off him, getting up; he grabbed his pistol and pointed. The one being aimed at immediately started wiggling more violently, not at all aiding Leon to keep his cool nor make an intelligent decision. Ten seconds later Kennedy walked to a corner, picked up a chainsaw and turned it on; now fully getting the other man's attention.

The ex-cop threw the engine away which of course unnaturally exploded, and started asking a couple of questions; until he realized he might get better results if he removed what impeded such an endeavor first. He tried to get rid of the duck tape, several times, thus resulting in muffled screams of pain and most certainly some detailed swearing. His mouth now free, minus some superfluous pieces of skin; the dark-haired man stared, «I shall never ask you for help ever again. », then eying him, «You're….not like _them_?»

«Actually that's what I wanted to ask; might I also add that your answer will determine whether I shoot you or not. The point of entry though remains to be decided, haven't figured what would be best yet. »

«…No, I'm cool. »

«That is still up for debate. », Kennedy freed the man's wrists.

«Now, I've got to ask you one, very, absolutely, life-important, essential question -»

«NO»

The Spaniard narrowed his brows, «But I haven't-»

«The answer's still no. », Kennedy stood up, the other man did the same while arguing until Leon slapped his palm on the man's face. «Shh! »

They heard footsteps followed by a peculiar sound, like someone hitting their forehead and cursing; seconds later a skyscraper of a man walked in. Still standing behind Leon, the other man specified, «Hmhmgnnm. »

Leon removed his hand, «What? »

«I said; perfect, the big cheese. »

Not waiting for further introduction, Kennedy ran and executed a spin kick. Well that had been his plan if only he hadn't slipped first, fell in between the giant's legs and broke his wrist on the floor. Everyone stared at him as he groaned in pain; someone popped a bubble from their chewing gum. After that he got lifted off the floor and as effortlessly thrown backward into the Spaniard; knocking them both unconscious.

Then a strange enigmatic persona walked in holding a sentient stick, its miniature tentacles whipping the air. At least he was fully clothed this time. He ordered to his brainless minions to tie the hostages together before approaching them while holding a syringe. «Worthless garbage, let me give you our _awesome, truly delectable and incredible_ _ **power!**_ », he looked in utter bliss while saying this.

His right-arm man looked down at him, or rather twisted his long neck trying to do so, «Why would you bestow them with our gift, potentially making them as strong as us? »

«Oh hush, Cheesos. I know what I'm doing. »

The giant man growled, «It's 'Mendez'…. »

The needle penetrated Leon's neck and a small parasite was injected.

Really, truly sucks to be him.

* * *

 _ **Author Note:**_ Now the reason I am so ruthless with that cat is because of cat-lover hypocrites, who will never tolerate anything done to cats but dismiss any other cruelties perpetrated against any other species. You can mercilessly decimate entire clans of sharks, abandon dogs to starve and die in the streets, destroy entire natural habitats to collect 'palm oil', etc.; but don't you fucking dare look at a cat wrong else they will want to chop your head off. How does that feel on the receiving end? I've no problem putting that in my parody. How fitting for them loving cats since that very animal is also hypocrite by nature and self-centered.

Still, it's a PARODY people, doesn't mean I'm going to impale a cat in real life.

I'd burn one alive.

That is a joke. Don't call the police. I don't want them to discover the dead bodies of humans I hid in the freezer in my basement's basement…. hey, times are rough; I don't have money to buy food.


	2. Deeper Into Ludicrousness

**Deeper Into Ludicrousness**

After that delightfully kindhearted present by such a wonderful individual, Leon finally came to, realizing he was tied up with the man he had freed earlier. Decidedly the Spaniard meant nothing but bad luck: like all the others so far anyway. Kennedy tried to wake him up by slightly pushing him with his own back, to no avail. So he turned his head to the side and yelled into his ear, « _ **CHAINSAW!**_ » That worked out perfectly.

The other man didn't appreciate but it was Leon's very last worry. The Spaniard then looked around, «Ah mierda! Crawl from one shitty stinking place into another….. similar to back then when I was in that detention centre. Plus I'm still tied up! _Exactly_ like when—well, not my best day. Or week, or has it been months of this crap already? »

Leon interrupted him, «Hey we've got to get out of here. Who knows when some more psychos will show up. »

«Well we could always illogically start a conversation seeing we're so defenseless and tied up in such a dangerous place, and wait for the rope to magically dissolve. Or I could use my _psykick puwars_. »

«…Your what? »

«Psychic powers? »

«…right. Try moving your hands, see if you can free a finger or more. » The next minutes were full of them feeling each other's ass by mistake. Leon sighed, «I'm glad nobody's here to see this…»

«Pff, yeah, especially since I'm a lady's man, so not gay, as in entirely hetero, extremely not attracted to anything resembling a male-»

«Alright I get it, besides why do you persist on having to prove anything? If we don't hurry up we'll die no matter your sexual orientation! »

Luis coughed, « So um, what were you doing before you got stuck in this nightmare?», the cord dug in his wrist which cut his skin open; good since blood pouring out might just be what they presently need to lubricate the knot.

«Used to be a cop, only for a day though…. » said he coolly as if that made him the most awesome man on Earth.

«So not good for any possible job interviews. »

Leon suddenly frowned, «….or was it? More like hours….hell I don't know anymore, it's all a blur, probably because of all the chemicals and putrid flesh I was forced to breathe during the whole time. Perhaps it has to do with the virus, or the giant spiders in the sewers, or that slimy thing that tried to force its way through my throat. »

«... »

«Might have been the mutated dogs, spores from those damn plants —come to think of it, those naked creatures with their brains protruding out, lashing their long tongues about and sucking on the blood of dead people: their saliva dripped on me a few times…. Their eerie low sigh gave me nightmares each night. »

«Errr…...wow, after a day like that, I would have quit too…..whatever it was all about. By the way my name's Luis Sera, used to be-»

Leon didn't care, «Ever heard of the Raccoon-Anus City incident? »

«A raccoon's anus?…. I'm not really into anal. Plus doing that to animals? Well I've never really considered it…»

«… _What_ 's _wrong with you!?_ I'm talking about the City, not any of your sick disturbing porn preference! »

« Um, no, I've been working underground for years like a slave for those bastards, all I've been hearing is - never mind that, you don't need to know.»

Luis had been busy talking when Kennedy saw a man enter the room, dragging his weapon behind him. The blond yelled «Axe! »

Sera shook his head, «Heh, you got me once amigo, no need to-! »

The dark-haired man suddenly had his face close to his own crotch when Leon pushed him to have a better angle, using his legs to kick the villager in the knees. This resulted in the attacker falling forward subsequently pulling the axe closer to them, then Kennedy grabbed the man's head with both feet swiftly breaking his neck.

Luis looked to the side his way, «….you're resourceful. »

« Raccoon City survivor: had to be inventive, been in much worse situations. Now let's move closer and cut these damn restraints. »

They did when suddenly Sera got up and started running away, «I forgot my snack in the microwave! »

«Wha—hey wait! », the promptness of the act surprised him and at the same time his radio beeped, thus in the confusion he only managed to cut communication by mistake again. «Well so much for that. », he was standing up when he heard a voice.

«Hey, hey psst! »

Kennedy turned around, now facing a small square window ahead of him. As he walks to it, he gradually hears raspy male giggles; peeking over he sees a guy kneeling there. Leon points his gun on his head, cutting short to the creepy noises, «Enemy or friend? »

The man didn't move, «…ah, err….enemy? »

Safety lock released.

«Just kidding friend I'm a friend! ».

Still aiming, Leon said, «What kind of psycho would make that kind of joke while being held at gunpoint? »

«Me, stranger. »

Kennedy then let the man stand, noticing his attire, «What is in that big bag of yours? »,

«Come over here, I'll show ya. »

The ex-cop eyed the dirty coat suspiciously. The other man read his mind and Leon saw his eyes widen, «Gross, stranger, I'm not going to show you my sausage; I've got real shit to sell!»

«Oh…oh, ok. », Leon walks towards the door.

The other man also steps away from the window muttering, «Freak…»

Kennedy approaches the mysterious man in silence, he has a purple cloth covering his face, it may be better this way judging by the bizarre pattern the fellow has on his skin. Then he opened up his large black coat, «Got some rare s—»

Lots of kitchen materials fell to the ground, making an incredible ruckus. A flock of crows flew off nearby, attracting even more attention on their position. The guy kept his eyes locked on the blond and tossed the objects aside with his feet, saying, «Wrong side…. » Then cleared his throat, now opening his left side, «Got some rare shit on sale, stranger! »

Leon stepped closer and looked at all the equipments, «Well damn it all to Hell or Raccoon-Anus City, you preparing for war? »

«Here, always be prepared, besides that's nothing you should see what I've got in my pants! HAHAHAHA! ». His laughter sounded as if he was being tickled and Kennedy chased the thought away, the other man then stopped abruptly, «Never mind that. What are you buying? »

«Wait I never said I was planning to, you said I could have a look. »

One of the man's eye twitched, «Sorry, old habit. Just look around, stranger; hands off the rear though…. »

Leon's interest halted on a red object poking out the man's chest pocket, without any more thought he reached for it but his hand got slapped away harshly, «Hey! Don't touch that, not for sale; for emergency only. »

«But what the hell is it? »

The coat-man looked around a bit before answering, «Ketchup. »

They both stared again, until the seller's eyes got thinner with paranoia, «I can hear you questioning my sanity, which is something I've lost years ago, gotta admit; but this precious nectar may really save my life someday so I'd appreciate you stop staring at me with those gray-soulless empty eyes of yours. Your zipper's down. »

Leon was about commenting on his own creepy icy-cold gray eyes when the last part hit him; he looked down and quickly zipped his pants. The merchant's eyes hadn't even shifted from the blond's face when he had said all that which made Leon wonder for how long he knew but didn't tell. Again, the other seemed to read his thoughts, «You looked like an idiot with it open and I thought it was funny but it's not anymore which made me reveal my punch line just now. »

Kennedy shifted feet, «…right…Ok so I don't think I am going to buy anything for the moment, but would you? »

«Depends on what you have to sell, stranger. »

«Well first, can you stop calling me that? »

«Pretty boy? »

«Ju-what? No! _The hell_ _?_ »

«Been calling you that in my head this entire time. »

A faint nervous laugh coming from the nearby village was heard from afar before the ex-cop reiterated, «Never mind freak, I meant about "stranger". »

«I see…. »

«…Yeah, it's annoying and quite frankly lack respect; I know I'm not from around here but how would you react if I kept calling you that? »

«….I wouldn't give a shit? » The man didn't blink still.

Leon shifted feet once more, «ok…. So, can you stop? »

«I'm afraid that's impossible, stranger. »

«Why 'impossible'? »

«Because: now what is it you might want to sell? »

«But—»

«You don't want to sell anything then leave; besides the shop's closed for the day. » The man flipped his coat closed and kept his eyes locked into the ex-cop's, it gave Leon the creeps which made him mumble «Doesn't make any sense….»

The other's sole response was to neither make any movement nor sound. The blond then turned around and started walking away, until a song was heard out of nowhere;

" _I can hear what you're thinking, all your doubts and fear…"_

He turns around and the music stops, yet meeting the staring gaze of the other man whose only answer to it all was further questioning, «What? »

Kennedy kept mute and left quickly.

X++++++++++++++++X

Our nearly-traumatized friend then had to cross another kind of village where crazy pueblos threw dynamites sticks at him, mainly blowing each other up. Leon even ended up in an ambush where they joyfully tossed multiple sticks at him as he hid behind a metal dumpster, his head poking in the material somehow. When the crazies duck he got up and made them explode, then he proved his excellent marksmanship by shooting more inanimate bear traps. There were two furnaces situated nearby and when he opened the small doors he saw a Spinel stored in, he reached in there despite the fire burning his skin and clothes.

He then proceeded through other corridors executing a series of superb headshots, bathed in a small sewer drainage segment of sort and fished out Black Brass with a grenade. Strapping the fishes to his back as they flapped on him still, he ascended a ladder but slipped a few times from wet hands and boots, hitting his chin thus biting down on his tongue.

Not his day, is it.

Well Leon had gotten away from immediate death but was far from safe. He got inside a tiny house and after doing a puzzle meant for a three year old, the door opened so he was allowed within a bedroom. There were portraits of that same gloomy hooded-man he saw earlier in the Village of Madness; the different environment did not improve his looks in the least. Leon moved closer to the bed and started searching under the mattress, after a while he realized that he might be watching too much cliché movies. «Tss, no cash. Or pesetas, whatever they call their filthy money. »

He walked to the door and carefully opened it which gave into a corridor, that's when he heard morons giggling downstairs. Kennedy searched the small cabinet at his left but no cash still, he was starting to feel sad as for he really wanted that bazooka he saw stored in the merchant's pocket. He was thinking about all the inestimable moments he could create with it, everything he could decimate without a flicker of remorse; when unexpectedly some kind of supreme invisible force lifted him from the moldy carpet.

He realized it wasn't any spirit as his eyes met the colossal threat that was holding him by the throat, the same man he had tried to kick earlier. Nothing else could be done but squirm in the giant's tight grip and listen to him talk, though Leon wished he wasn't that horizontally well-placed as for the man's breath smells like cheese. Now Kennedy knows why Luis called him that.

The slightly broken English made the man's words even funnier, «Outsider…despite you currently being inside. Now that you carry the same blood as us, I've got this advice; don't eat burritos. We haven't quite figured out why Las Plagas reacts so badly to it but trust me you don't want to find out how. »

Kennedy's eyes rolled backwards as he gasped for fresh air but the brute wasn't concerned, «But know this, pretty boy, if you become unpleasant to our eyes, or balls; your ass will face dire consequences. I'll see to it personally: and you don't want that. »

The solid hand dropped him and as Leon was busy coughing, the tall man walked back through the door he had come from. «'Same blood'….? Now that's one phrase I didn't want to hear…» The ex-cop was back quickly on his feet and took out his gun ready to pursue his assailant; because he apparently liked being mistreated.

However, he had barely pushed the door open that he got rammed in by what felt like a brick wall pushing him in another wall. The strength of the assault made his finger twitch and pull the trigger twice; piercing the eyes of the man portrayed. There was no time to salute his lucky shots as for he was sent to the floor, a huge feet being pressed on his chest. Not his idea of a fine moment.

Towering him, the bearded man glared at Leon as if he felt like pulling his eyes out and eat his brains; which was probably the case. Fortunately Kennedy will never find out as someone shot his persecutor in the back, only tickling him. Mendez slowly turned around to look at the window, saw someone smiling and then decided it'd be great to just run through it like a maniac. Besides, his skin is so thick he can't get hurt.

The unknown benefactor's smile was wiped off her face and her eyes bulged out; that was the only action she had time to perform before the glass broke, sending shards in her skin and eyes prior to being mercilessly slammed into by a force of nature. Suffice to say the contact with the ground below was twice as painful. No make it three times as painful taking into consideration the broken shards she also landed on.

Kennedy didn't even bother looking down; he had quite enough of the freak hence wanted to be far from here when the bald man would have disposed of that second outsider.

Our lone survivor left that second village and went through a small cavern, going up a ladder he got welcomed by a tiny cemetery and a church. He was about making his way around the house of worship in order to avoid it at all costs, when he got accosted by one of the townspeople. The woman was holding an axe, which is always part of their heart-warming welcoming custom plus she dared call him an imbecile, staring at him cross-eyed no less. Leon didn't know much about Spanish but he was certain she just insulted him, well the woman shouldn't have; one bullet made sure she learned the lesson.

Kennedy circled around the crows staring at his tender flesh, and ran passed the church hastily then started crossing a very decrepit bridge with many planks missing. When some villagers would attempt to jump over to him, he'd just wait for them to be mid-air before shooting them in the face which sent them flying overboard screaming. There was always time to spare into having a bit of fun on a mission.

Skipping over the gap himself with contained merriment, Leon got reunited with an old friend from the previous township, someone holding a chainsaw. However a couple of shotgun shells in the face resolved the little problem. He crossed a door and ended in a place that looked like it was used as a battle arena, though what immediately caught his attention is a crowd of ravens standing in a circle as if performing some dark ceremony. Apparently every creature in this goddamn place is a religious fanatic. Kennedy picked up a flash grenade from his hair and threw it, consequently brain-killing all the birds which dropped a potato each; however none were attached to a cool heartless AI. Afterwards he heard some strange beast growl in the distance and it sounded as if it was constipated. Leon glanced around in wonder and finally decided to just run past the small corpses in horrified uncertainty.

On another path, he tread to a cliff overlooking a huge lake then took his binocular out because, hey, he always had a thing for greenish filthy-looking muddy waters. That's when he saw two villagers discarding another in there. «Hm, must have broken one of the many crazy religion rules; like not repeating their master's name enough times with their weird-ass fanatical love psalm, or refusing to be impaled plus burned alive: god only knows why anyone wouldn't want that….»

He then zoomed out and moved on another location, noticing a group of idiots having some kind of barbecue party on kayaks. They drank shitty cocktails and loud Spanish music was playing from an old radio; some of them were slapping each other's ass. «Different customs…..weird still. » Further to his right he came eye to eye with another guy, who just happened to be watching him directly with binoculars too. Leon quickly lowered his, «Even weirder. »

He continued his intriguing adventure down the path around the lake, passed the small dock and peeked at the skeletons floating all around it. «Nope. » Thus turning around: he liked lakes but there were some fucking limits; this time it seemed like a rather sane and safe idea to just walk away. Besides, he may look blond but he used to be a redhead, with bright blue eyes even instead of gray; makes you wonder what the hell happened. Just some other ''side effects of the T-Virus'', CAPCOM would say….

So the ex-cop would just walk around the Lake of Doom instead, crossing a path with a sign that reads "SAFER THROUGH HERE". Leon figured the villagers must not understand English else they wouldn't have ventured on that sea of bones with the hungry giant monster lurking in it. «Pff, amateurs», he scoffed before tripping and rammed his face in the mud on his way down. When he ripped his visage from the sludge, night had fallen. Incredulous, Kennedy looked around. «…what, in the…..» Then a pack of mutated wolves circled him, tentacles protruding from their backs. Not to worry, the expert decimated the lot with his shotgun then reloaded promptly «Well that could have been problematic…if I wasn't the pro that I am. » He ran passed a dead creature and got whipped by one of its appendages which made him stumble to his right groaning. He was glad no one saw that.

Kennedy had to go back to that arena-place but before doing so he visited a certain underground secret area next to it. He found out the merchant had built himself a comfortable spot where he could eat fish to his heart's content and even bats if he felt like it. Leon eyed the giant collection and said, «Who did you have to kill in order to get all this?»

The unconcealed gray eyes fixed on him, «If I told you I'd have to kill ya. »

«…I guess that answers my question. »

Kennedy broke some barrels with his forehead but before he could leave the merchant called out «Hey! That'll be twenty pesetas each! »

«…Twenty for each single coins? Surely you're kidding. »

«Do I have the eyes of someone who's jokin'? » Leon could have just run away, what could this guy have done anyway; shot him in the back with the full arsenal he's got at his disposition? Probably yes, though it would have been bad for business. But being a good guy Kennedy just tossed him the coins and left. When the blond was far enough the merchant chuckled, «Outsiders, so gullible…»

Back outside away from this robbing merchant, Kennedy had a bad feeling as he walked pass the wooden gates, not only the scenery was depressing but the smell of feces seemed much worse than before. It made him sneeze, «Damn it, when I get out of here I'll definitely have to burn all my clothes and undergo a treatment with acid for my skin. », saying this, a huge door opened at his right. Twelve villagers were talking nonsense in Spanish while pulling something with ropes, soon it became clear that they had no control over the situation, like usual. After a 'Mierda!' from one of them, the giant monster broke the doors down and decimated them all with great drama; when it tried its hand at Kennedy though it turned out less easy. That angered the beast which screamed in the man's face sending disgusting gooey shit all over him.

Leon executed a back flip avoiding the huge hand of the El GiganTits, which only annoyed the monster some more making it spread the content of his mouth everywhere again. Kennedy chocked on the fetid stench though promptly showing the beast who's boss by taking a handful of dirt and throwing it in the monster's eyes, allowing the parasite controlling it from protruding out its back. Leon eyed it, «Ha! Didn't see that coming, did you?...», he ran up its back and was about cutting the sickening protuberance when something distracted him. A black circle with an X on it appeared right before his eyes making him blink in wondering, that sufficed to allow the fiend in regaining its senses, Leon was grabbed and mercilessly thrown on the ground, ribs fracturing.

Shoving the nozzle of an Aid Spray in his right nostril, he got back up and grabbed his shotgun, «You oversized Spaniard…», aiming at the grotesque head he started shooting when he heard an awful noise. In fact it was a feline shrieking in the night; Leon looked over at the hill and recognized the animal. «No way, it's that damn cat I left to die though it obviously survived; how the hell do they always manage that…? » The animal jumped down and seemed proud about its little energetic display until it got immediately crushed under a giant foot, the monster lifted its limb and Leon saw the remnants separate between the ground and its skin.

«Even it can't survive that. », he resumed his firing and brought the slimy parasite out once more, shooting cartridges at it until the ogre screamed in pain lifting arms to its head. Kennedy cocked his shotgun and leaped aside avoiding the falling giant, then picked up the 15000 golden bars it left behind before concealing it in his underwear. Feeling quite proud of himself he walked back to the gate, though it leveled in his stomach and tore his shirt in many places, face included. Just one of those times when you're glad no witnesses were around.


	3. The REAL Nightmare Begins Here

**The REAL Nightmare Begins Here**

(And her name is Graham's Cookies Ashtray)

Our fair-haired wanderer gained access to the church's fanatics though he wished he could put on a protective suit. Making his way among the benches he made sure not to touch anything, he wasn't sure if their religious obsession was contagious but he didn't want to find out. Kennedy had just finished the unexciting color puzzle when he opened the door to where Ashtray was imprisoned. As soon as she saw the man, she hid her face screaming, «NO don't look! », and threw a piece of wood his way. Leon expertly dodged, only to whack his head on the shelf behind him. With no concern whatsoever, the whiny girl kept on the same train of thought, «I look horrible I haven't been in a salon for the past two hours! »

He rubbed his head mumbling, «Oh then it's an emergency…»

«Beg your pardon? », right after asking that she ran into a corner and whined some more.

Leon eyed her suspiciously before walking her way slowly, «Alright then I think we're past the presentation. »

She snapped, «Who are you!? »

«Or, maybe not. My name's Leon S. Kennedy, I'm here to-»

«What does the 'S' stands for? »

Taken aback, the not-so-sure savior looked around then back on her. «Scott? »

«Oh. »

«Satisfied? »

«Why, yes. »

«Good. So I was sent here by your father. »

Upon his words her eyes grew much bigger than they already were, and it was terrifying, «My father!? »

«Yes. »

«Sent here by my father?! »

«….that's what I said, yes. »

«Oh alright. », she seemed to immediately calm down.

Kennedy took a step back; you never know in that line of work, plus her body proportions looked weird…might be infected, least he hoped that was the explanation to it…. «Are you alright? »

«Did you come here just so you could mock me? », she spat.

«…obviously yes, since I can't have anything else to do with my time…. »

She turned an arrogant nose away from his face, «Despicable. »

Never did he meet such a pesky female before, hell even despite Sherry BirdKin's young age she'd been way much less a burden than this teen here. The little girl didn't even care to have malodorous zombies puke all over her, she would never even cry as her eyes stung so painfully from the acidic substance and felt like they were melting out of her sockets.

With his mouth closed, Leon ran his tongue on his teeth trying not to lose his cool; «Listen little girl-»

«I'm a woman. »

«…yeah, ok, listen we have to go now.», he motioned for her to get up however she remained right where she was, now her mocking eyes back on him, «So you're alone? He sent just one man? No way, my father would have sent an entire group of handsome muscled men with bazookas to save me! They would also bring wine. »

«That'd be called a battalion and a pretty stereotyped one at that, but since I'm here then I think it's safe to assume he didn't. Can we go now I don't have all day, plus I haven't eaten since I arrived and no way am I touching any of that suspicious red meat they chow down on here. »

«Actually it's pretty good, tasted it myself. »

They stared, and Leon's hand slowly but noticeably went for the gun on his thigh. «…then we might have another problem, but, you seem almost okay so far. »

« _Almost?_ »

«Come on, we haven't much time to lose, not that we had any to begin with, so get up. »

When she finally did, Kennedy noticed a spot of humidity where she had been seating. He closed his eyelids hard and thought; " _Great, now not only am I stuck with her but the smell of urine will follow me around as well._ ", never had he been one for babysitting. Opening his eyes he crossed the door, sighing.

Sucks to be him, damn; sucks to be that floor.

The unwilling duo was about leaving the cathedral when Leon descended a ladder to survey the surroundings. Something was different this time around though as for he heard a loud 'thud' immediately followed by more complaints. He turned around fast only to spot Ashtray sprawled on the floor holding her ass.

«What the—»

«You were supposed to catch ME! », his ear drums almost exploded at that.

«Don't you know how to descend a simple ladder on your own? »

«I'm the president's daughter! »

«….okay? »

«Next time WAIT for me and CATCH me! »

He glared at her, «No you listen, next time you can just process thoughts like others would and use your own limbs to descend said possible-next-ladder instead of just randomly jump off a ledge then break my balls some more with your prepubescent whining, got it? »

Ashtray looked horrified, «You despicable man….! »

Leon looked as if he was about ramming his face at the brick wall but managed to turn around and walk away, he had a job to do and the sooner he accomplished it the better. Thus being in a hurry he ran through the church and got surprised by the cult leader. His face was much worse in reality, though his eyes weren't pierced by bullet holes.

«Welcome to our majestic house of worship! _I'll_ take the whiny little girl. », he paused for a second with a false air of concern, «or have you any objections? »

Kennedy was really tempted to just shove the teen his way and be done with, but then he'd have to forget about that ton of cash the president offered him, along with that dream of his…to actually have a dream. Well at least with money he would be able to afford several dreams. Ashtray did what she does best; she hid behind her savior and started crying. The ex-cop stepped forward. «Who are you? »

The grim-looking man smirked, «IF you _must_ know; my name is UsMundane Sadder…»

«That's indeed a saddening name. »

The cult leader ignored the remark instead just kept talking with his voice always fluctuating between normal and a bizarre tone, like being in some trance or profound unreserved delight. «…I am the grand, great, spiritual guide of this really fine and plain just remarkable, _religious community_ …! »

Leon found it disturbing. «Sounds more like an alien invasion if you ask me! », he felt proud about that one, chuckled and looked back at Ashtray. She was too preoccupied drooling at his ass to notice. He slapped her behind the head, «Hey! »

She flinched, « _What!?_ »

«Pay attention you pervert; you just missed one of many of my painstakingly-superior cheesy monologue! », Kennedy turned back to Sadder, who was busy petting his slimy stick; Leon's lip twitched, «What do you want anyway? »

«I want nothing more than to govern the entire world, z _of course!_ But first I need to inquire the president with his filthy money; my fantastic religious view requires more attention than his pompous progeny does. May I also remind you that you can make a donation, near the front door or on this altar? _In fact_ , empty your pockets this instant, I'm sure you got greedy while adventuring through our», he leveled his eyes and seemed to be in utter bliss again, « _excellent and hygienic continent_!»

Leon scoffed, «Pff, faith and money will lead you nowhere, 'Saddle'! » He stood there, chest swollen and feeling quite important.

The wind blew outside, everyone stared, the only audible sound was the wet noises Sadder's stick produced; it soon became _really_ awkward. Leon frowned, the leader sighed, «Anyhow it's not like you can escape, and soon you'll do everything I will command you to. You see, I've injected you two puny humans with a little participating gift; no need to thank me you're quite welcome. »

Leon shrugged, «…Yeah? What's that? »

UsMundane grinned, «I believe it'll be quite clear soon enough…»

Ashtray then yelled, « _NO!_ » Leon turned to her with a questioning glare; she looked up at him with tearful eyes. «I chipped a nail! »

Kennedy kept staring, he was deeply torn between the need to strangle her savagely, shoot her in the head quick; or abandon her here. Sadder interrupted his dilemma, «Now if you'll excuse me, I've got better things to do. », his stick squeaked in approval, «After having gone to the lengths to bestow you with our _perfect present_ , now I will order my minions to execute you. »

His retarded subordinates leveled their weapons; Leon grabbed the girl's wrist and ran off, hurled her through a window first, then jumped over it himself now that it was safe to. She spat glass and blood, «Leon, what are we gonna do? », she looked at him from below with puppy eyes and a bleeding forehead.

Not at all moved he grabbed her by the collar and dragged her towards the exit, scratching her knees on the ground as he went, «I survived the Raccoon incident, no doubt I can endure this. »

She wondered what kind of raccoon he was talking about while struggling to get up.

Sure he survived 1998 but could he tolerate the girl? Perhaps this incident will indeed surpass Raccoon and it'll be the AshLay-incident instead that he'll never forget thereafter. Being stuck with her was quite trying for his sanity, much worse compared to every horrible thing he witnessed back then. He swung the door open and started shooting everything in sight, wishing Claire was around instead of that burden clinging to his back like a tumor.

Leon thought, ' _'Claire was always cool, athletic and strong; useful.''_ , he recalled the occurrence when she was being followed by the invincible Mr. X, she devised a cunning plan and once the monster was stunned, Claire relied its nipples to a battery and threw the switch. Good times those.

A yell interrupted his thoughts, the kind of which makes you wish you were deaf and suddenly turned you homicidal.

« _ **LEeEEeeeOOooOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN!**_ _»_

Kennedy wheeled around and almost shot the wrong target but eventually refocused his hatred unto the mutated resident who was holding her atop his shoulder. Leon shot the man in the head; its content exploded all over her. He gave her no time to complain as he yanked the girl on her feet and forced her to run towards an exit; she now stink vomit.

The president would definitely have to garnish his paycheck with more digits.

X++++++++++++++++X

Kennedy and his most-regrettable cancer had just ran into another shitty place, as soon as they got in the soon-to-be-murderer man rammed the door closed and turned around when another called his name. A piece of wood was thrown his way hitting him in the throat. «Well thanks for that….», he chocked and hissed as he bent to pick it up.

Luis was too busy drooling like a retard on the girl's breasts in order to remotely care, «Seems like the president equipped his daughter with ballistics too…. »

Her face turned disdainful, «Comparatively to your balls, yes. »

«Touché», chuckled Leon, right before he got smacked in the face this time by another wooden plank; he tripped backward holding his nose. Certain comments then were mumbled between clenched teeth; mainly about how Spaniards are evil fuckers and considering the whole crazy brainwashed village they were stuck in, it's all true: but Leon had just found out how much of an ass Sera could be. At least Ashtray had not thrown a second plank at him back there… not that anything else was in her favor anyway. Luis then finally unglued his eyes from the spherical extremity to look at Leon, «Is she….? »

He trailed off for what seemed like an eternity so Leon gave him a questioning glare, making Luis reply with an evasive, «Well, you know…. »

The ex-cop looked around quick with exasperation before darting his eyes back at him, «No I don't, what Luis? »

«Well y'know, is she….? »

«What? Is she what? »

«Well…. »

«What's the matter with you, spit it out. »

«Forget it. »

Leon stepped forward, «No, NO, _no_ fucking around like that just **fucking say it**! »

«No jus—»

Kennedy started to move his arms about, «Is she what, vegetarian? An alien? A secret spy working for Wesker although not dressed in red? »

«…wha…»

An annoying voice broke upon their discussion, «Hey guys, there's a horde of unsavory creepy men closing in on us; holding torches, pitchfork and all, they look pretty mean….plus they're unfashionably dressed. »

Leon cleared his throat and nodded at her, «Thanks for the unimportant details that could have been easily overlooked for time's sake. »

Both men parked their rears near a window, then Luis voiced his deepest concern giving the dire situation they're stuck in, «Did you send all those invitations?! I told you no more than _fifty people!_ »

The blond man slowly turned his glaring eyes towards him, whispering something under his breath that made Ashtray livid with fright as she took hold of the nearby table so as not to fall, «….I can feel my last meal ascending ….! »

Too bad we won't know what those words were as for there was no microphone there…. but sure seemed gruesome. Sera then decided to point the obvious, one more time, «Alright we have to hold fort here. »

Kennedy reloaded his Red 9 hastily, rather annoyed, «Glad you finally figured that out…. They're surrounding this damn shack. »

«It's a house. »

«Where I come from houses are bigger than shacks. »

Ashtray clapped her hands on her hips, «Especially my father's. »

Leon turned his head back towards the window and whispered, «Can't wait to get out of here…. she's worse than all those zombies…. »

The girl got closer to where Luis was, making the man sniff the air, «What's that smell…? »

Ashtray didn't look aggravated, point is she didn't figure out the odor was emanating from her. Leon only clenched his teeth and said, «Just focus on these damn fanatics…. ». He eyed Luis' Red 9, «I hope your aim is much sharper than your brain is. »

The next couple of hours were packed with endless firing, decimating, decapitating, reloading, kicks to the face, knife to the balls, avoiding getting shot by Luis or cut open by mutated idiots. If Krauser would have been there he'd say with pleasure '' _Now_ we're talking…!'', but he's not therefore he'll miss this good quality time.

The two men were assuring their survival; the useless girl stood in a corner and pied her underwear, again. It flew down her leg and flooded her right boot but hush, it's okay, no one will notice; she certainly didn't. If only Jill or Claire were here….Sera exploded some more heads and tossed a carton of ammunition at Leon's feet, «Here, use this! »

Kennedy bent then glared his way, «…It's empty.» he shifted his aim between windows and scored some more before throwing a flame grenade outside, granting his nose with the sweet aroma of burnt mutated flesh.

Luis ducked from under Leon's aim before tossing him another object, «Take this! »

Kennedy frowned over the small pack of Kleenex and almost yelled «Shit Luis are you getting senile!? »

Sera's sole answer was to say «Upstairs! » while running up the steps on all fours like a retard.

The ex-cop kicked a villager in the face which brilliantly made it explode, and ascended to the second floor where he found Sera being assaulted. Leon shot the man in the knee, then while Luis screamed in pain the blond actually shot the enemy next.

Sera stabbed his attacker in the eyes with a fork, «This is _loco!_ It never ends! »

Leon pushed a ladder off and tossed two grenades outside, «I think this dire time requires more optimistic vocalizing than that. » He played it brave though twice during this hell he nearly told Luis to just hand them the girl so they could save their asses, the thought of having a dream sustained him however.

When it all finally did end, they had to walk over hordes of corpses trying not to slip in all the blood, and other unspecified bodily fluids. Well at least this time around Sera had been of some help; Leon doubted he might have survived that insane sandwich reunion without his assistance. He was about voicing his gratitude when Luis suddenly ran out of the house, «I forgot some unspecified things, you guys go on ahead! » lost foot in the mud cursing then disappeared in the dark scenery.

«Luis! », Leon ran to the door and stood there, «…what the f-….? » Well if the foolish man preferred to try his luck by himself, so be it. Kennedy heard Ashtray walk to him; that's when he knew that being alone wasn't as bad as it seems…

X++++++++++++++++X

At some point, the survivor and his neatly-dressed parasite ended on a lift unsteadily balancing over an endless pit, Ashtray vomited overboard during the whole intrepid crossing down while Leon shot many men in the face; they all fell down like swimmers simultaneously diving in a pool. They eventually disembarked, Kennedy continued on with making this continent a better place AKA shooting more morons in the eyes and exploding their kneecaps. He walked past the merchant again who stared at the duo with his newly-red eyes. Leon disapproved and shot him too; to hell with supplies he could never afford.

A path led them to another decrepit shed; Leon sensed danger so he gave her a quick look, «Do like you always do. »

«…Huh? », saliva dripped from her chin.

His voice got lower with impatience, « _Go hide._ »

She ran to a bush and hid her face in, the rest of her entire body protruding out. Kennedy figured she'd still be safe knowing that the villagers were as smart as her. He opened the metallic door and got in, his nose being assaulted yet again. You'd think it would have gotten numbed by now with everything he was forced to breathe; but each new atrocious stench was like a punch in the stomach still.

He had been busy with searching the dump for anything useful when he heard the door squeak. He got closer in time to see that oversized man getting in, and he was now bending the handles in a knot; obviously Mendez works out. The huge man turned around, his mismatched eyes locking unto Leon like a programmed robot made to annihilate. Kennedy did feel a tad uncomfortable then, but just a bit.

«I warned you», the strong voice filled the space, «You've become unpleasant to our cheeseburgers. »

His accent made the last word all the much more hilarious, Leon tried to mute a chuckle but Mendez caught on it. « _Si_ , savor these seconds as they will be your last. », in one step of his long leg he had crossed the distance between the door and his new toy. Kennedy choked on his saliva then sped up a ladder, knowing he could take aim at the barrel below and cook the ogre.

The implacable eyes followed his ascension, didn't even seem to bother as if he knew how futile it all was; that outsider was trapped and he would die here. Then he'd eat his tender flesh raw with paprika, but for now let's just concentrate on the battle at hand.

Kennedy aimed and fired, the bullet pierced the metal and…. beans spilled on the floor. Leon eyed the scene as Bitorez glanced at the container then at him, saying «We use this barn to store victuals, fool. »

The blond clenched his teeth then tossed three flame grenades down at his opponent, the place immediately got warmer. The ex-cop tried to decipher something through the blaze, «He didn't even scream, hopefully his brains splattered all over the place. » Leon's faint hope got swept away when he heard skin being torn apart, wet sounds and grunts emitted. Suddenly Mendez's head was over the second floor, glaring at him. He had mutated rapidly, discarded his skin to grow this thick spinal column with multiple tiny arms protruding from it, his head swinging from above. Leon thinned his lips, «Well...you looked better before, and that's saying something... »

The fiend had also oversized limbs protruding from his back so he used them to sweep the second level trying to grab the human. Leon slid down the ladder, ran to the door then turned around before started firing. As the brute got closer Kennedy took his shotgun from his magic endless pouch, aimed and fired. When Bitorez got where Leon wanted him, our soon-to-be-devoured hero ran-dove in between the man's legs, got closer to the barn's rear and threw some more grenades.

A second explosion sent debris flying; Leon coughed, half-closed eyes searching. Gurgling sounds were heard from beyond the fumes, «…where are you, freak…», his eyes glanced from the ground to the planks near the ceiling upon hearing something move over there. He took aim even before seeing his nemesis, what was left of him. Leon opened fire immediately as his eyes sent the information to his brains. The bald man had no legs anymore, he was just some twisted creature made of large arms, a head and a torso; his grand beard had somehow been spared.

The monster was too swift, grabbed him easily; he could have ripped him in two if not for Leon being able to still rationalize and take aim. Shotgun shells were delivered to the hideous face, making his grip falter. It had done damage but it was far from being enough, unfortunately our fighter ran out of ammo. As not-a-man-anymore-Mendez rolled on the floor and was about getting up, Kennedy tossed his last two grenades his way. The bloodied monster was about regaining balance when he exploded in multiple pieces; his red eye flying right into Leon's face. The ex-cop felt the urge to throw it away plus take a bath but halted; this could come in handy…

All that remained was bloodied chunks but the beard had survived, it lay there among the fire like a badass. The place was burning from every angle now so in wanting to escape Kennedy hurled a leg in the half-destroyed wall, only managing to get himself trapped. He fell backward hitting his head, now coughing as his feet protruded outside. Until something grabbed it and started pulling him free, although not _pain free_ since it helped debris and burning materials to scrape his entire backside, also allowing a plank to hit him in the balls on the way out.

He blinked a few times with teary eyes though had leveled his pistol in alarm until he recognized the girl; still, he kept aim just in case. She could have asked if he was alright but started complaining right away, «You were gone a horribly long time, I was so scared. I heard crows and I thought they would pick at my eyes until I died from it, in fact I'm pretty sure some of them were laughing at me! »

He coughed some more, passed a hand in his hair while getting up before shoving Mendez's eye in her face. She screamed and fell on her ass, «EWwhatisthat!? »

He held it to her, «This is an extremely evil eye, every time you'll complain I'll shove it into your face. So unless I'm not being transparent enough; you behave and keep quiet! »

Without further commotion, he left while putting the sticky eye in his front pocket.

X++++++++++++++++X

After defeating additional hordes of mad bastards, both blonds got back on that lift, the man enjoyed the view while Ashtray still puked. You'd think she'd have emptied all of her stomach's content by now, who knew she had all these secret resources within her…? Leon eventually had to use Mendez's Sacred Eyeball to open the grand doors, and judging by the height of the retinal scanner, the sky-scrapper-of-a-man would have had to bend in half for it to be inspected. They crossed the door and now faced a hill, three retarded villagers awaited them on top of that road hoping to ambush the outsiders though standing in plain sight.

Well they're the ones who got the surprise as a truck appeared behind them, driving over each with complete disregard; Leon had readied his sniper rifle and watched the hilarious scene through his scope though he did not have to pull the trigger. The lunatic driver was laughing maniacally but turned the wheel abruptly which sent him flying over the edge into a canyon, they heard him scream as he disappeared for ever. Leon lowered his rifle, «Well that takes care of it…»

The two crossed a bridge, Kennedy then realized that the merchant was endowed with the capacity to revive; if the hero would have been as pro as he claimed to be though he would have known that the mysterious man did not come back once killed. Anyway since Leon had been forced to donate to the church hence there was nothing that he could afford, not even plasters.

Though duct tape was more interesting right now….


	4. Castle of Utter Psychosis

**Castle of Utter Psychosis**

As they moved into new territory, the two hoped for this original scenery to be empty of any menace but it quickly proved otherwise. The hungry and thirsty duo found themselves in the biggest castle they ever saw and it was crawling with enemies of course, Leon wished he could quit.

Kennedy made sure they survived from being set on fire or impaled while Ashtray made sure to be a bother. Some pyromaniacs kept firing cannon balls their way but only managed to destroy _nothing_ because the castle was obviously cannon-proof. That was until Leon returned fire and blew a giant hole in the wooden gates thanks to one, which he surprisingly cranked up formidably fast whilst not tearing his limbs off, thus gaining access. He wasn't surprised to encounter more imbecilic creatures within, all really _very_ determined to taste the outsiders' appetizing flesh. At some point he and the teen were casually walking under an arch, because the calamitous situation they were in clearly was of no consequence thus permitted such a carefree attitude; until Sera called his name.

They both looked behind and saw him running towards them. Leon was relieved not to be alone with Ashtray any longer «Luis! So you're alive, where the hell have you been? Have you noticed that outstanding entry I did? »

«There's no time, the eggs have hatched. »

«Beg your pardon? »

He swiftly slapped Ashtray then grabbed Leon's shoulders, « _The EGGS!_ »

Her eyes got wide, « _What was that for!? »_

«You will soon start to vomit blood and puss, your mind will become foggy and you won't be able to resist Sadder's command; that alone should fill you with intense fear. I brought this to prevent-», he frantically tapped his nipples over and over, and for an awfully frightening long period of time as well; so much Leon had to smack him into sense, «Fuck's sakes Sera, what's wrong with you? »

Luis took hold of his shoulders again and repeatedly shook him, « _Shit!_ I must have dropped it when I was running away from the El GiganTits! »

Leon suddenly became expectant «Have you got the gold? I really could use it. » The Spaniard was still shaking him around and Leon tried to make him stop, «Why are you-!? »

But before he could add anything Luis ran away yelling, «It makes me feel better, besides I had forgotten that I forgot something! » and disappeared.

Kennedy couldn't help but stand there frowning with his mouth open. Ashtray eventually poked his ribs, «I'm scared. »

He kept staring ahead and said, «It's fine, he'll be fine: he's alone. »

She didn't understand what he meant but touched his forearm, «No, you sexy ass, there are a group of hooded freaks staring at us. »

Kennedy looked at his left, indeed there stood four fanatics near the double doors, eying them like hungry people standing in front of a buffet. He promptly decimated them and they moved on.

Inside the castle, they got greeted by some maniac laughing. Well Leon had heard, and seen, worse; so he just played it cool. «Hm yeah? Make it short I'm rather famished. »

A voice came from a balcony above, «Welcome to the festivities! »

«…who said that? »

«Ah, for the love of Las Plagas-», a button was pressed thus a platform ascended over the handrail, with a little person on it. «Me llamo Salad-Caesar-»

Leon stepped forward, «Well I really don't give a damn! »

The short man's face changed for an upset-surprised one, «Oohh…! »

The blond spat, «Rain or shine; _you're going_ _ **down**_ _!_ », he certainly felt like a hero now, Ashtray looked away in shame.

The dwarf on the balcony leveled his index, «It might come as a surprise-»

Kennedy abruptly hurriedly left, soon followed by a stunned Ashtray; leaving the miniature man sobbing. Nobody ever liked his parties. He even sent dozens of invitations but no one ever came. Well this impudent man would regret it, as punishment he'd kidnap that girl and strap her to a wall; there! He always was such an evil persona.

As they ran, the girl complained, «I'm never turning into one of them freaks! »

Leon didn't even look back and kept running, «As far as I'm concerned, it's too late for that.» The teen was about asking what he meant when she started coughing blood and puss, Kennedy turned her way looking at her with an analytical mind. «It's just like Luis said-»but she suddenly screamed and pushed him aside «I'm fine leave me alone! » and ran off.

Leon asked «Why the drama? » but got interrupted by spikes erupting from the floor which stabbed him in the balls. Now the two being separated, Ashtray had a horrified expression on her face plus her eyes even watered. Fortunately Leon knew how to deal with this, opportune, situation, «Now look what it does when you overreact! »

She backed from him towards a wall and it trapped her there before revolving around. Kennedy blinked in stupor before cursing because it meant he'd still have to risk his life for that exasperating brat. He didn't know which was worse, being stuck with the useless girl or having to rescue her over and again; though it did give him a break for his mental health.

X++++++++++++++++X

Amidst the never ending perilous excitement of intense survival in that castle, the blond had to battle against heavily-armed eyeless monsters in order to get back to the president's shitty daughter. He also got close from being chopped in Scott-salami slices a couple of times or brutally impaled by the same mad men swinging their long blades about. Suffice to say they'd be welcomed in a forest where insects buzz around too much. Well to triumph over them, all you had to do was lure them blind fucks into a corner so you could shoot the parasite on their backs. It would either take one bullet if you had a powerful firearm; or 9999.

It became exponentially far worse if you were stuck in a tiny cage with one as it persistently moved them blades about; cutting everything in the vicinity including your nipples, all while additional morons equipped with crossbows were shooting at your face from all corners of the room. Leon shat his pants a couple of times but when he was done exploding heads, and fixing his cut nipples with glue, he ran to the merchant only to miserably realize that the fucker was out of stock in terms of clean underwear to sell. The asshole. If only he knew his business more then he'd have stocked on that way more than a useless Punisher handgun that isn't worth shit.

Anyway, there was a lot of shit involved.

Next our survivor even ran into that conspicuous albino once again after crossing one more door, his shadow moving over Kennedy as the latter leveled his eyes. There he was, standing on a balcony again which was probably his way of getting back at the world for making him this small; Leon was surprised he could even cast a shadow.

«What a very, extremely, pleasant surprise; I must admit we ever rarely get such luscious, nice-looking young men here. But I'm afraid it's AshLay we want, not you Mr. Keen-Ed-He. »

«Then get off my back, old dwarf! »

The man's face darkened again with that same upset expression than before while Leon just left as fast. The Verdugos at his sides didn't give a damn either, yet again. Poor Ram-On Salad-Caesar, no one seemed to give him the respect he thinks he deserves; perhaps that's the reason he's so livid…..

After yet again not allowing the dwarf to say his most-wanted lines through radio, Kennedy was done wasting his time into that labyrinth filled with mutated dogs thus gained entrance through another locked door. Well he was done fumbling around cabinets and wardrobes in search for some lip-balm; it's a cold night after all. Now he was busy staring up towards the ceiling of that nicely-furnished bed because for some fucking reason there was a bottle of perfume stuck in its frame. «…maybe I could throw this on her to improve the stench-»

That's when the barrel of a gun got pointed on his ass crack, «Put your legs where I can see them. »

«…I could be wrong, but that request just doesn't make any sense. »

He got subsequently hit over the head, «Put them up, _now_. »

Then Leon wheeled around and grabbed the woman's pistol, she executed a back flip but she could not escape the little surprise he had for her. The egg attained her in the face making her stumble backward, Leon stood there with pride «Try using eggs next time where it's better for close encounters. Not to mention it gives you the protein you need in order to throw some more eggs, with blunt force. »

The woman wiped her face clean while glaring, «Is that your secret technique? »

«…Ada? So it _is_ true…. »

«Yeah that's my name…? »

«No I mean, you, fucking Wesker. »

She slowly shook her head, «You should know not to believe everything you read on Facebook. »

«Why Ada? »

«Because those sites are for losers. »

«Tsk no, I mean _why?_ »

«He's got a delicious _everything_ , besides what's it to you? »

«Back then in City of Hell-Itself, I thought we had a special something. »

She grinned « I've got two hands; I can cup each of your asses. » She slowly sized him over and said softly, «Might get right to that this second if you want. » He merely stared so she added, «Oh come on I couldn't get ten feet near him even if I wanted to, I'd be dead before that. » On this she tossed her sunglasses on the floor and waited.

Leon glanced at them both and finally frowned at her, «What's that for? »

«Damn, cheap brand. » Instead she just threw a handful of pesetas at his face before running towards the window, disappearing; four seconds later he heard her get assaulted by one of those mutated dogs. « _ **Fuck sake, die!**_ »

Leon then aimed at the shades and fired, «…never too careful…»

He just stood there and lost time reminiscing about that awesome good time in Raccoon-Anus City when his path would cross hers more than once. Weird thing is she had Asian features then and now her face has morphed somehow, oh well, doesn't matter; though she clearly has a thing for red which is boarding on the obsession. She still possess the dexterity that makes her fully capable plus her sexy voice that made him lose his focus more than once back then, but not anymore.

He had merely processed the thought that he had matured, when he finally refocused realizing the contradiction as he was wasting time. He coughed and continued on his mission, decimating more blind psychos and crazy fanatics, avoiding perilous deaths and not even getting a scratch on him.

Of course not, he's at Normal difficulty….

X++++++++++++++++X

Through the never ending war he was forced to face, along came Luis at some point. The Spaniard showed up with a smile on his face, looking quite content with himself. «I got it! », he leveled his right hand, showing a bottle of ketchup.

Kennedy rubbed his eyes, «…hold on…. », he had a faint nervous laugh, «You mean to say that you risked your life, and mine», he motioned with his hands, «several times», he pointed to the object, «for _that_ thing?»

Luis appeared hurt, «I couldn't bear to so cruelly leave it behind! »

«But— _fuck, Luis_! It's nothing but a damn bottle of ketchup! »

«It's MINE! It's important to _me_! I couldn't have eaten fries without it! »

Leon might have pulled his hair and ripped his scalp along with it if something far more horrible hadn't occurred next. Sera's face completely switched expression as a strange sound was heard, making him stiff with surprise and pain. Kennedy was also stuck in place as he saw the whole scene occur in front of his eyes.

Something sharp had pierced Sera's torso and now he got lifted before being smacked hard on the floor. The long and slimy limb began retracting under UsMundane's clothing; he smiled.

Leon's face filled with horror, « _EEEWWWW!_ That thing, that thing just came from under your-»

Sadder's voice was tinted with that ever-enthralled disconcerting tone «My boy, Sad-Caesar will make sure you follow the same fate…how deliciously promising. » and left them there.

With the bottle still gripped tight by Luis, Leon stared as the leader left, « **Nasty** …!..gross, grossgrossGROSS….!» Sera winced, Leon ran to him, «Disgusting Luis, just sickening, I'm so sorry, even you didn't deserve this! That thing might just have been his-»

«Ketchup…»

«…What? »

«Stole from his fridge...he found out what I was up to-», he snickered faintly and choked on his blood. «Need to, insert delicious red….in my mouth…can't do it, by myself…»

«What are you saying? »

«...tu...estupido...»

«...Not helping, man. »

«…. _ **pl-ease**_ …. »

«But Luis that thing was his-»

Sera brusquely leveled his head from the ground, «Damn it listen to what I'm saying! », before his cranium cracked as it hit the floor again.

Leon sighed, «Alright, since you're dying and really losing all of your blood, but I hope no one sees me feeding bottle to a grown up man. »

Kennedy snapped the lid open and placed the tip into Luis' mouth, squeezing the plastic thus granting the dying man with his last taste of the tomato goodness. Sad thing is when Sadder had slammed Sera on the floor; the hole in his chest had ripped further down to his stomach, so now the red paste was coming out along with the blood. Leon felt it might be better to keep this little detail to himself. Luis' eyes shone as if seeing a marvelous field of tomato plants bathed in sanctimonious light, next he had one more nervous laugh and then died.

Kennedy screamed the man's name in his face during hours for intensified useless drama.

Our caring bottle-feeder man eventually heard Ashtray struggling on the floor below so he picked up his rifle. Oh the temptation was so strong to just shoot her in the head as she wriggled in the trap with those annoying noises. Leon eventually moved the sight unto the metal bars and broke them, releasing her but he was far from feeling enthusiastic. She said something but he didn't hear her since she really was far down below, so she yelled «Talk about near-death experience! » which alerted some guards.

Leon yelled back, «I can still shoot you in the head if you'd like! » while taking out the enemies.

One of them eventually puked an item and Ashtray ran to it «I got the key, I can get out! »

Exasperated, Leon yelled «Then _do_ _ **it!**_ »

The girl found herself alone in some gloomy corridors filled with scary webbings, extremely-complicated contraptions, evil suit of armors, and worst of all; libraries. She was also confronted with fanatic pursuers which she'd burn with lamps; being as intelligent as her they would all allow the girl to just light them on fire, all while stupidly laughing. And if you actually care for that sort of overrated crap, it was also a part of the game that allowed you to stare at her ass as she crawled through many tight spaces; which was absolutely unnecessary though most males would quarrel, but it still lacked logic.

Our useless teen managed not to get herself killed avoiding deathly blows from armors, she even solved a puzzle despite her limited IQ. In order to return to her supposedly prince charming she had to run into a long corridor devoid of anything, traps included, but which was designed so to make the player believe wicked armors stood at every corners; a plan that scarcely works with everyone... When she opened the door, not being on the lookout for any potential threat _yet again_ , she finally got reunited with her irked savior.

Kennedy was cleaning his nails with his blade when he heard the door open, she ran to him, her eyes shining with pure joy. As Ashtray neared him though he promptly sidestepped consequently she rammed her face on the floor, Leon didn't offer assistance and started walking away. «Good now let's go, we lost enough time here. Plus Luis is dead and it truly is a shame since I have to make them pay for his death now; bothersome. I even had to illogically promise to his corpse. »

She replaced her hair and wiped the saliva from her face then followed him. While escaping Leon finally found something to eat, he neared the egg and picked it up but it unfortunately slipped out of his grasp bouncing off the floor; he ran after it as it rolled away then off a cliff. Standing silently, he stared at the dark pit with eyes watering.

Next it was Leon's time to dodge deadly incoming blows from evil armors; he'd reluctantly tell the girl to stay back before stepping onward and execute his cool move. He dared not imagine what would happen if he failed, though once he avoided one final blow merely by stumbling upon a folded carpet; lucky shot. Later he had to push heavy statues by his lonesome while the girl watched, she indulged in staring at the way his muscles stiffened and listening to the delightful breaths he gave while producing efforts; she really is a pervert after all.

Solving this crappy puzzle opened a door in which they met that goddamn small-fry once more; he clearly had been waiting for them in that room for hours, been staring at the wall ahead of him with his back turned at the entrance. When he heard footsteps however he hastily threw his sandwich aside and clapped hands together dramatically, «I think you've lived long enough! »

Leon scoffed softly, «Funny I was thinking the same about you; though I'm actually sufficiently skilled to make it happen. »

Salad-Caesar darted his right index towards the ceiling, the duo looked above. When nothing happened the small man threw a temper tantrum and yelled obscenities in Spanish, then the ceiling started to go down.

Ashtray stood there yelling « _ **NnnNnnnooOooOOOOoOOoo!**_ » while the evil man ran off laughing while staring at them, thus smacked his face into the doorframe, then resumed his dramatic escape.

Leon sighed and promptly shot the four lights on the contraption above in less time than it took to blink then was already leaving through the exit. They ran down a corridor until a gate rammed down, separating them both as a peculiar device started to approach Ashtray from behind. It oddly resembled that machine in the movie The Labyrinth, except the Goblin King isn't going to come out and offer you cake; or GLaDOS, pick one. Well whilst this deadly device neared her, the girl did what she did best, _nothing._

Leon aimed his rifle while complaining at her, «Sure just kneel there and shriek; _that's bound to help!_ » Besides she was so damn skinny that she could have slipped through the bars thus preventing the man from saving her ass for the 99999999999999th fucking time.

He shot the two men operating the contrivance thus the gate retracted allowing Ashtray to escape, and she eventually did….ultimately, then they left that room. Kennedy vaguely wondered where that merchant was before mumbling to himself «Now that I'm full of cash he doesn't even show up. Well screw him. » It's as if the unsavory seller could only be found whenever Leon had lost all of his money, just to tease. Ashtray got horrified to hear him talking to himself under his breath but she was even more scared of her own shadow so she stuck with him nonetheless.

Following the adventure in the smelly castle, Kennedy faced another grand double door but since he's got an adventurous spirit decided to circle around it. That paid off since he found another treasure chest, hiding the coveted object in his sock he jumped down a ledge back inside. Ashtray didn't wait for Leon to turn around and catch her but landed on him, thus breaking his back as his face rammed on the floor. Kennedy spat two-year thick dust before healing himself, making great effort not to kick her off the ledge into that dark pit. For once then he would have enjoyed hearing her scream…..

He looked up at the ceiling which was occupied by a very large nest with an unknown substance flowing down on it; suddenly a bug flew in and kidnapped the girl. He yelled « You know you're doing me a favor!? Good riddance…» she vexed hi m so much that he kept forgetting saving her was the exact reason he was stuck in this stinking place. Cursing, he hastily reloaded his rifle and shot the restraints for the bridge which got free and dropped all the way down mercilessly ramming on his toes. As he screamed since his limbs had been completely obliterated, he lifted his automatic to unload his frustration into the nest, destroying it. It also magically caught on fire as it fell and Leon wondered why things here kept exploding for no reason, he wished not to experience spontaneous combustion any time soon.

A certain malevolent Eve would grin at that.

Kennedy found himself outdoor and his radio beeped, this time he picked it up instantly realizing that he shouldn't have. The sickeningly white face appeared on screen and Leon cursed that technology for the first time, the petulant voice hurt his ear «Do you see me Mr. KenNeedy? »

«I'd rather not…» and he quickly cut communication before picking up his rifle and blowing a guard's head, whose body is now still walking along the edge of a tower above. Then more of them started throwing flaming boulders at him with catapult, except everyone got decimated accordingly. What a nice evening.

X++++++++++++++++X

After escaping more flirting with Death, Leon did find back the source of his migraine, filling him with contradictory emotions. He carelessly ran into the room they occupied and the floor gave way under him, but being a pro he kept his cool and threw his tiny grapple hook.

«Won't _fall_ for this old trick. »

One of the Verdugos rolled its red eyes at the ceiling from the lousy cheesy retort; it also made Ashtray puke all over herself. «When did I have spaghetti…? »

«Hey! That carpet is part of the vestige of my dear family's treasure! I hope you have enough money to pay for it! » Salad-Caesar's voice was ever so irritating and screeching it made Leon's ears bleed even from where he was down the pit of doom, trying not to kill himself on the spikes nor getting his eyes poked by angry bats; we all know where that led a certain Forest Speyer with crows….

The girl wouldn't dare turn her head by fear of having her throat sliced open by the Verdugos; they'd been eyeing her rather savagely for the entire time been there so she feared their aim might "slip". She'd been kneeled like this for hours as they waited for Leon to find his way to here, while the leader ate his lunch whilst offering none of course and it had been an extra-large pizza no less. So looking straight ahead she said, «You forgotten who my father is? »

«Of course not, who do you take me for!... Actually his name might have slipped my mind for this actual second, but I won't forget to send him the dry cleaning bill. Once I remember his name…. »

From the pit then came further noises, «Oohh, shiny…. _argh_ my face! Damn bats! »

Salad-Caesar folded one leg atop the other, «Yes, quite famished this "time of year"», he stupidly fingered; «diseased as well. »

Ashtray's eyes darted at her left as she thought _"Does this mean I won't get my chance at kissing him before he dies?"_ , stupid, stupid prepubescent girl…. If only the Verdugos could have their way, I'd pay to see that. But only with pesetas. Not like I'd actually waste _real_ money on her. Fourth wall break, my bad; apparently authors aren't allowed to do that, _haha_ still doing it. Alright.

Kennedy eyed the hole above and shouted, «By the way I'm not dead! Just in case you're wondering if your trap worked! Sure it's full of angry and hungry bats here but I'm still alive! For now…»

Salad-Caesar's eyes watered and thus he turned into Sad-Caesar just like Sadder liked to call him; he motioned to one of his servant, «Kill him! _**KIIIILL!**_ _»_ Ashtray's ear bled at that, the Verdugo walked away and content to.

The blond had to find another way back up, that lead him through some sewers of sort, an underground passage with machinery. He was welcoming the silence and his solitary time, nothing exploding or hurling itself at his throat, or some girl probing his ass pretending it was a gaffe; however he just had to figure a way out before dying of thirst.

The respite was short however when something swooped in from the ceiling trying to cut his head off. All his reflexes from back there in Putrid City fighting the Lickers still paid up here as he had felt the presence above him a second before it was too late. He rolled away and jumped back on his feet, realizing it had merely been a long tail belonging to something far greater.

The tall black creature landed on the floor, red luminous eyes locked unto its prey and two mandibles moving with excitement. Well Leon would have liked to examine it more thoroughly but he doubted his enemy was here to converse. Kennedy soon figured out how agile and fast it was, and _fortunately_ for more excitement, appeared to be bullet proof.

Every shot fired ricocheted off its skin forcing Leon to run around the place trying to find some other means to deal with this very regrettable predicament. Dodging its precise blow all while looking for a solution was no easy task; doing it while holding a PS2 remote was effortless, but being stuck there in reality was not plus he could die. All the fear he had been submerged with in his early year as a rookie was rushing in him along with the adrenaline.

«Can't we talk!? I mean I'd love to, you seem like some fine specimen; I'd like to have a chat!» Can't blame him, Kennedy was alone with no help, left stranded in Hell itself with endless lunatics and he might never have a dream since that girl might die, now he was lost underground persecuted by another kind of hellish creature with no means of beating it; so maybe he had finally lost his mind.

He heard the rapid and powerful stride come his way; he saw the athletic creature turn the corner, its unreadable eyes upon him, its three digit paw dig through the wired mesh ground for a better grip. In short, he saw Death itself arrive and thought this was it. Leon might have grabbed an egg and threw it its way as a last pathetic attempt at defense; if not for the Verdugo halting right in front of him.

«Yes it might not be so peculiar a request, in fact I don't perceive why not seeing that you have no means of murdering me; providing you demonstrate your efficiency of having something intelligent to discuss. Lad-Caesar rarely manages such an exploit himself. »

Its low inhumane voice reverberated in the tunnel for a few more second. Kennedy stared at the creature as it casually lay on the side of the tunnel, its large paws crossed over its chest. Leon ran a hand across his hair and wiped the perspiration from his face, «I can't fucking believe it worked…. », he quickly straightened himself, «I-I mean sure, sounds like a bright idea. I uhh, I've never come across a creature like you. It's incredible, the ones I faced before all were depraved and grotesque plus far from having your kind of eloquence…damn, what am I doing….»

His eyes rested on the creature's tail which ended in a sharp spike, it was calmly moving about the floor like a snake though it looked deadly still. Leon frowned, «Your 'boss', why in the hell an intelligent and powerful creature like yourself would tolerate such an imbecile?»

The Verdugo chuckled, it was a weird, slightly-higher cricketed sound, «NOW, you're being interesting. Allow me to enlighten you. », it got closer and Leon felt like shrinking, his irises widening. I bet anyone would love to know the tale that our lucky brave man was told: too bad.

Its story finished, the Verdugo laughed and returned upstairs. Leon blinked a few times, then whispered, «….unbelievable….…» He could always try and tell someone later but they would never accept it as truth, he hardly believed it himself so much the discovery was intense. As in a blur, he walked to an elevator, activated it and kept on blinking, spaced out.

* * *

In an almost-empty room, UsMundane Sadder is seated comfortably in his master chair, overlooking an ostentatious panorama creditable of his magnificence; mainly a paint-faded metal door. A certain man wearing a beret stands before him; the hooded man silently motions to him to kneel. The one concerned finally does so with a severe scowl, actually that's just his face. Sadder addresses him, «It seems Sad-Caesar is having difficulty taming that filthy, vulgar, repulsive…. ahem, that American pig. »

The other man's lip quickly twitched at that.

Sadder leveled his chin with superiority, «Undersized Sad-Caesar had his chance, several times no less; I really should learn to be more callous with my subordinates. Krauser, go get the infuriating girl… oh, and, bring me a cheeseburger while you're at it. »

The muscular man stood up, «Consider it done…. prick. »

«Hmm? What was that? »

«It was the wind. »

«Oh. Peculiar giving where we're standing. »

«It was the wind of change. »

They both remained mute and stared at each other, then Sadder ordered «Alright then, off you go. » And Krauser was gone, having a bit of difficulty walking with his muscles but he eventually left; hopefully that hooded twit had deactivated the deadly lasers then…. in any case Jack is fully capable of nice acrobatics so he'll survive; moreover extremely-fast deadly lasers is just the appetizer considering what he actually likes. It also aroused him but he wouldn't share that information with anyone.

* * *

Our physically-sore hero soon entered another building, upon seeing who was there however Leon pinched the bridge of his nose, « _You_ again…! »

The sickly little man clapped his hands together, «So nice you could join us Mr. Ydennek. »

«And with what rights do you keep repeating my name…? »

«We threw a party for AshLay; actually we threw _it at her._ Not to worry, I arranged festivities for you as well. »

The puny leader snapped his finger ordering the Verdugo to hurl a knife at Leon. Kennedy dodged and stood there staring at Salad-Caesar who had his eyes closed, «Hmm…? Where's the satisfying sound of one's impalement? », upon saying that he received his own knife right through the forehead. He opened his eyes, now trembling and screaming.

Leon scoffed, «That satisfying enough? »

Even the Verdugo found it was rather pathetic, rolled its eyes before leaving him there. It was magnificently striding towards the exit while Leon stared at it. Now knowing what he knew about its specie, he couldn't help it. The creature stopped at his side, its forehead arching downward from lack of brows, sizing the man's face trying to figure out why he looked agape with saliva dripping on his chin.

It then kept walking by, them both staring at each other until it crossed the door. The gate closed behind it and Leon shook his head, «…just unbelievable…. », as in a trance he walked by the impaled man and abandoned him there as well. Poor Sad-Caesar indeed.

Thus Kennedy avoided the uninteresting boss-fight and ended up with an attractive person instead. Walking to a corner, pondering over what the hell he could eat before his stomach devoured itself, he realized Wong Wing was waiting for him in a speed boat. A hand on the wheel and one arm spread over the seat, she glanced at him, «Need a ride, handsome? » Leon glanced behind him so Ada had to address him again, «Yes I'm talking to you. »

«I suddenly got nervous that your boss was standing behind me…»

«If he would we'd both be dead, I'm not supposed to be talking to you. If we cross path my orders are to remove you from existence. »

Something he knew her being capable of. He boarded the boat, «Charming. Then what stays your hand? »

«Despite popular belief I'm not entirely that kind of person. » she started the engine and they were off.

During the travel to the island where Ashtray was brought, the woman at his side was focused and silent so Leon conversed, «I was thinking, been thinking for a long time actually since that incident occurred in 1998 which I'll never forget, I tend to underline this… for some reason. Well back then in that filthy crocodile-infested underground secret lab, you know when you fell to your unavoidable death thus also inevitably bringing the virus sample along in your doom…. »

He had a flashback in which he struggled to hold Ada's slippery hand in his while she balanced over a pit of death, as she fell he screamed « _Clai_ —I mean _**Aaadddaaaaa!**_ » He had hoped she didn't hear the mistake but her nearing demise then made little difference, well now it changed everything…. « So what the hell happened? Because you're obviously doing well, so was there an inflated bag in that dark bottomless pit? And where were you concealing that goddamn bazooka-»

Ada hastily turned the wheel interrupting him plus sending him bumping on the border; she stood up before aiming her grapple hook at the mountain's edge above. Her textile-missing dress revealed her leg and Leon glanced back up as she said, «Sorry, CAPCOM's secret. » and pulled the trigger subsequently bringing her upward. Her heel had been on the wheel so it propelled the boat which executed a 360 making it collide with the rocks, awkwardly sending Leon into the driver's seat.

He sat there with his right arm resting over the seat, grinning, «Tsh…load of bullshit. »


	5. Island of Decimation

**Island of Decimation**

Kennedy arrived unto the island and proved once more that he was up to the task after defeating one ugly giant man armed with a Gatling gun, well that moron wasn't throatily laughing anymore. «Getting better and better… crazy mutated freaks. » He was about entering another small tunnel when he heard strange noises coming from above the edge. He looked up at a rock that seemed out of place; remembering the surprise the villagers had concocted for him back then with the boulder, he now imagined an idiot behind this tiny rock being unable to push it off. Shaking his head, the unimpressed man walked off, leaving the idiot struggling above him. Elsewhere, Kennedy shot a red barrel which blew an opening in the stone wall; in there he found a treasure box and its content left him unhappy. «…if this is some odd cheap way of getting at me for that damn cat…» he shot the golden feline's head off before jumping from the edge, making sure to avoid the spikes with dead bodies stuck through them. He then had to fight more morons blowing themselves up.

Leon came across another one of those kitchens of hell with all the unspecified meat and flies swarming around. Come to think of it, he never saw a single child anywhere. Now he understood the significance of every gross carcass and bones; those brainwashed twits ate their own offspring. Well the ex-cop didn't find it in him to feel regretful for kids that were the products of such monsters; so he just continued on with his mission.

Our hungry man was busy saving his own ass and the world from total parasite infestation, and was about shooting the enemy in front of him when this one started laughing. Leon frowned, «What? », the guy motioned to Kennedy's stiff nipples pointing through his tight clothing. «Yeah, alright, fucking _haha_ ; it's damn cold outside! » then he shot him in the eyes.

Eventually Kennedy got where Ashtray was being held captive, _again,_ there was no mistaking it as he stepped in and heard her maddening yell for help. He wondered if she'd ever get thirsty enough to stop but knew it was wishful thinking. He neared the monitors that showed where she was kept; a man pushed her consequently making the girl bang her head on the corner of a small table. Leon grinned despite himself, then one of the two men ordered for the other to disconnect the camera; the imbecile flipped switches off before staring at the recording device absentmindedly. They were still recording; he only had turned the lights off. Leon scoffed «Pff, retarded amateurs…»

Kennedy was getting so good at annihilating everything that he even executed poor crows that stood atop a structure; they gave wrapped-chocolate coins. He took a lift up where he was allowed to call for backup; he fumbled around with the controls until he got a response. It was the voice of a young man and he seemed really unstable, «Uh, I c-can't help you. »

Leon frowned «Wait, that voice, are you that easily-scared former S.T.A.R.S. member Vickers? Didn't you get yourself killed-!? » communication got cut off and the blond cursed. Anyway if all the help he could get was from this guy, Kennedy might as well ask Ashtray for support…

Soon after he unlocked the door where the useless teen was, the back of her head had bled but it would be of no consequence since she had no brain to damage. They were leaving when he almost lost an eye due to Ada's goddamn paper plane flying in between through iron bars. He stumbled backward holding his face, bumping into Ashtray who fell to the floor and hit her skull again. His eye bled, « _Argh…! Whose stupid idea was that!?_ » He rubbed a plant over the injury but screamed in excruciating pain realizing it only intensified the burning sensation, then he shot the plane a couple of times in anger. Ashtray just stood there and stared, she's extremely good at that.

Next they still were escaping malevolent troubles when an idea crossed Leon's mind. He walked to an edge and looked down, the girl pinched her nose. « _Urgh_ , it stinks! »

«That's one thing that comes to mind, yes. It's probably a garbage dump. », he looked her way, then started smiling. It was the first time he appeared glad when looking at her so she felt her heart flutter as she thought, ''Oh my god, ohmygod, is this it, is he _finally_ going to kiss me!? DAMN he's so hot!''. He took a step forward, her cheeks flushed red and then he rapidly pushed her.

Her scream followed her through the fall, indicating that the ground below wasn't that far. Leon peeked, Ashtray's screeching vocals resonated from the opening, « _ **YOU MANIAC**_ _, HOW DARE YOU-!_ »

«Good, now I know it's safe for sure. »

She was almost up when he fell on her, crushing her spinal column to pieces. As she screamed in utmost pain Leon pondered over whether to waste a golden egg on her or not; he soon shoved it through her mouth though so she'd shut up. Their escape was short lived as minutes later UsMundane was about to re-acquire the girl, they entered a room and the hooded man turned to them, «I can FEEL them growing ever so stronger inside you! »

Ashtray threw up and Leon looked at Sadder with disgust, «… _..that's just sick!_ » then he turned to her seeing she had soiled his shoes. «…goddamn it! »

The cult leader kept grinning, «…Aren't you going to run towards me while screaming my name ridiculously? »

«I've no intention of doing that… what makes you thi-» a bunch of yellowish sheet struck his face.

«Because I have the script here. Anyhow, that would have been _so_ cliché, I'll just order your parasite to stall you and make her follow me instead, minus the cheesy drama. » He leveled his hand making Leon drop to his knees holding his chest in pain, Ashtray walked towards Sadder. She did trip on the steps, twice, and broke a tooth, but she managed it in the end. Damn, even the parasite is better than her.

X++++++++++++++X

Meanwhile, awaiting some meeting, Krauser was in a room doing push-ups merely on his indexes and big toes, he could even do that aided by his tongue only but he didn't trust the unknown stains on this floor. When he heard high heels approaching he straightened and started hurling his knife in the air before catching it. He always liked to do that; in fact any games that involved war-reenacting or killing was pleasurable to him.

Wong Wing entered and watched him do it over and again while wondering when the blade would just dig in his palm; she'd like to see him embarrassed, or scream in pain. Jack's voice filled the tiny space, «What's the- »

Ada frowned in wonder at the child-like tone, the man rigorously cleared his throat and resumed with a very deep voice, «Might have caught a cold. So what's the news on pretty boy?»

«He's not making it easy, it's that jacket of his; the pueblo are crazy over it consequently they can't be ordered around with such a distraction. The sample? », she popped open one of those Chinese fortune cookie.

«That adept for photographs in underwear has it; it seems my unfathomable contempt for the prick blew my shitty cover. »

There was a somewhat long silence as Krauser stared with that inhospitable face of his while Ada finished her noisy treat. During that time he had stopped playing with his knife as his patience was tried, then she was about leaving, «Perfect...… I think. »

«Just so we understand each other clearly, I absolutely fucking despise you. I don't trust you one damn bit nor does Wesker, I saw it in his ever-stoic unreadable face while he wasn't even looking at me, plus being in a completely different room. If you try anything; stupid or clever, I _will_ kill you. And I guarantee I'll enjoy the hunt. » He licked the blade but cut himself thus mumbled a ''shit''.

Ada was facing the door so she missed the show, she must also have a death wish having her back turned at him like that. She taunted, and it proves once more how suicidal she is, «You know, I'm at Wesker _loooooooooooooooooooooooong_ before you. »

«..…What the hell was that all about…? » he said before putting a plaster over his tongue, then added «Anyway, we'll zee zoon enof fif you did. »

«….Errr, yeah...we'll see. » then the woman grabbed the door handle but it wouldn't turn, she tried again nervously until Jack said, «…it'z lockth. » She cleared her throat unlocking it and left. The man scoffed and was about licking his blade again when he abruptly stopped having remembered what had just occurred; it happens sometimes, his memory just short-circuits like that. Must be the grenade that blew up near his eardrum that damaged some synapses, or that bazooka he received in the face, or…. Krauser stood there recalling a shitload of things, and many of them made him dreamy.

X++++++++++++X

Later Leon had to descend a wall aided by a rope; he stopped half-way to admire the beautiful Moon, shining his path brightly like some solemn caring partner. He sighed, «Never forget the simple beauty of life, that uncomplicated taste of-» the rope broke and the concrete fractured his pelvis. A couple of Aid Sprays were required to reposition everything back together, his keen spirit included.

Regaining footing, he used his trusted knife to tear a barrel to pieces only to receive a snake in the face. Furious, he tried to shoot the reptile, barely managing to dodge its second attack but killing it eventually. It gave an egg, most unusual, but Leon was starving so he bent to pick it up though he should have been faster as a crow expertly dived in and stole his most-required future meal.

Maybe he didn't like Nature so much after all.

He boarded a lift hoping to have more luck with this means of transport; though anyone who took such risks in Silent Hill would advise otherwise. He ended in a large area where he got reunited with an old friend. Leon dodged a knife, said lethal weapon was held by a muscled guy who likes beret. «I see, sharp instinct as ever. » a smirk graced the scarred lips.

«Yeah, but your sweet underarm stench gave you away first. »

«Pffmh…! »

They revolved around each other, keeping their eyes locked on their mutual target.

«So, Krauser, I suppose you're not here on vacation…»

Jack stopped walking, «How do you know about that? »

«Well, what sane person would? »

The other man resumed his foot work, « _Ahh_ …so then you don't know anything. I suppose they told you I died in that crash two years ago? »

«No, nobody told me that; truth is everyone was glad you suddenly disappeared so they all resumed their lives, even threw a party. »

Krauser stopped walking and frowned, his knife even lowered a little. Kennedy kept on, «But I know this, you kidnapped Ashtray and now you're sucking on Sadder's genitals; before that you became traitor by joining Wesker. »

«You catch on quick, as expected; after all you and I both know—», the candy he had in his mouth almost completely exited but he caught it back on time, «Almost let it slip. _Wait what_ , Sadder's dick?! I'm not sucking on anyone's penis! Why would I be doing that, who do you take me for!? »

«Not even Wesker's? »

«Enough talk! _**Die**_ _, comrade!_ » _,_ he lunged at him knocking Leon on his back. Krauser's knife was this close from deepening into his neck, which would have made the result fairly definitive; when a shot occurred. It did save almost-dead blond by forcing beret-enthusiast to focus on the location of the invader, though at the expense of Kennedy's left arm.

« _ **GARGH!**_ Whatjust- _FUCK!_ » , he squirmed on the floor some more as blood squirted out.

Jack had stood up and was now looking above. «Well, if it isn't the lying manipulative, heartless skinny bitch in the gray dress and high heels despite such an outfit being far from the best logical garments for any missions. »

«My dress is red you over-muscled twit. »

«…I'm color blind. »

They both got interrupted by Leon «You _fucking_ shot me!», he had gotten up and threw away an empty aid canister, it struck Krauser's chest before rolling onto the floor; the receiver looked at his torso, then the can, then at Leon.

Her laser moved onto the beret, «Well, we still have the upper hand. »

Kennedy shouted, « _Not really_ , not if you can't aim for _shit_. »

Jack looked at them both alternatively; Wong crossed her arms, «I bet you couldn't have done better from my position, Scott! »

«DON'T call me that! »

«Fine! Ken-Eddie! »

Krauser tried to make his presence reminded, «Hey-»

Ada glared at him, «You shut up! Do some push-ups or else but shut it. »

Leon argued, «NO _you_ shut up! We went through hell together then you let me think you died back there but suddenly you re-appear out of fucking nowhere, working for Wesker no less; and shoot me in the goddamn arm! _What's that all about!?_ »

«For fuck's sakes, I was aiming for the knife! »

«Don't change the subject! »

The mute annoyed fighter silently backed off as he thought this would go on for hours; he jumped backward onto a ledge above, reaching incredible height for a human. As soon as he left, the two of them stopped acting. Leon exhaled «I don't want to know if that's how we'd be if we were a couple. »

«Same here. » Wong Wing jumped down then tried to remove her heels stuck through the holes in the meshed floor. She knew knife-extremist was right about improper garments and her stupid obsession to wear red dresses could kill her someday. Imagine with all her dexterity and fame, to survive many missions only to be killed by her choice of clothing or shoes; what a shitty way to go…..well, fuck her, maybe she's not that smart after all.

All the while Leon inquired at her still, «Maybe it's about time you stopped dodging every single goddamn questions I ask you, exactly like in the past as well, and finally tell me the reason _why you're_ here? »

She acted cocky, «To save your ass, why else? », ran to the handrail and tried to jump over but her hand slipped on the bar thanks to her dress getting caught in between, making her lose balance. Her finesse act ended with her face rammed on the concrete floor below, a few broken teeth, swollen lip and crooked nose.

Kennedy sighed, jumped over the railing landing on one of her hand, and left saying «That's for the arm…»

X++++++++++X

Our soon-to-be mentally-unstable savior had survived another deadly encounter with the mutating Troops of Hell. He was now nearing some desolated ruins and if they could convey a message, the word 'AMBUSH' would be written all over it. In fact, Leon felt it in his guts, thus he stumbled to the nearby wired fence where his knees faltered, he grabbed unto it with a look of intense despair then howled at the Moon.

Krauser, who had been carefully setting up demolition charges nearby, heard the ruckus thus exited his hideout, « _Sooo_ ….you two are all hoo-», he stared as Leon, whom surprised in his mourning of anything coming close to hope, quickly got up and wiped the dribble from his mouth. He then shot a glare at his opponent, who for the cause had removed his t-shirt and was showing his scarred skin: he also has a third nipple.

Kennedy cleared his throat, «Nice face-paint, psycho. »

«….don't mock me Leon. »

«Well sorry to break it out to you but that smear is pink and your beret is the color of urine, I mean darker unhealthy-tinted piss. »

«Guess I figured that one right. »

«…That so? I might also be the first person to make you realize you're blond. »

Jack crossed his arms, «To say this whole time I thought you were a redhead. »

Yeah Krauser, you're not the only one…

Leon ignored that, «I'd ask where the girl is but I don't want to know. I'd also ask what you're planning on doing but you'll only divert my inquiry with another question, so let's just end this right now. »

«Not before I say my lines, I've been preparing this for hours; took you long enough to get here. »

«Yeah well I got busy with survival… and digesting myself. »

«I hid three insignias, there's one in the-»

«Alright I get it, you're clever. »

«Hell it pretty much means you're on a tight leach. »

«I suppose you always liked that dark stuff. »

«What? I don't mean it like that; _ah to_ _ **hell**_ _with you_! » on that he started firing. Leon leaped out of the way and hid behind a rock wall thinking he was safe, but it soon got shattered to bits and he received bullets in the leg. He exclaimed in pain and sniffed a plant while Krauser chuckled «Caught you off guard, didn't I? », clearly enjoying himself. Kennedy dodged a grenade and saw him move to another location right after, too bad Jack didn't seem to realize his strong frame didn't permit complete cover. Leon aimed and fired as soon as his enemy stood up, returning him his last friendly gesture.

«That's what I'm talking about…» and Krauser tossed a flash grenade, Leon shielded his eyes but then changed position right away. This was Jack's domain, his prepared battle-ground, he was aware of every trap he'd laid and knew the field; moreover this was his true purpose since he liked tactical fighting and was good at it. He may not be quite as deadly as a Verdugo but was still a great threat; if Leon took him lightly he was already dead.

Kennedy's heart pumped fast which was to be expected, his eyes moved from different locations in quick successions as he listened intently. There were some spots that cast a shadow, resembling as if Krauser could be hiding behind objects; Leon had to be careful in treading here. The prey gently pushed a metal door and kept aim as he advanced though he knew Jack to be as good in close quarter combat as he is, and the man would likely choose his knife if it came to that rather than his submachine.

Still at a somewhat ''safe'' distance, Leon avoided getting shot by dodging just in time as his opponent popped out of hiding, the bullets ripped through the air and obliterated the rocks behind him. «Run Leon, _run! Hahaha!_ » the excited voice barely heard over the ruckus. When he ceased fire, Kennedy deserted his corner to return fire but Jack would just dodge the bullets. It slightly surprised Leon until he executed a back flip avoiding Krauser's thrust with his knife. _How come he can move that fast…?_ Jack clearly did something to his body and now Kennedy had his jaw clenched since the threat was suddenly bigger.

Every analyzing only lasted seconds and Leon was always focused, that permitted him to slash at Krauser when this one attempted another knife assault. Kennedy cut him consequently resulted in another 'argh!' from his adversary before Krauser threw a flash grenade once more, «Now we're talking…»

Leon moved close to a bridge, it was obviously a good spot for an ambush and he quickly theorized that Jack would have moved above for a better view. Therefore Kennedy picked up his rifle and aimed there so when the hunter popped his head out in order to shoot him with his explosive darts, Leon fired him in the head. Krauser's satisfied voice flew to him still «Good, Leon…» followed yet again by his favored blinding method. Kennedy sped across the bridge to reach a safer destination, when he moved around corners he made sure no shadow was visible although it depended on where Krauser hid compared to the moon in the sky.

The ex-cop ascended a stoned stairway and found one of the insignias resting on the ground, his enemy stepped out and started revolving around him slowly, playing with his thumb over the blade. Kennedy turned his way, «What do you intend to do Krauser? »

«Well I might gut you with my trusty knife after I've beaten you; play around in your entrails…»

«….»

«Hey, even I am not a cannibal but you've got to admit I freaked you out just now. What I want, aside from raw meat, is to bring order and balance to this insane world of ours. »

Kennedy stared, «…Raw meat? »

«Yeah, I like that kind of thing. »

«In what way? »

Jack thinned his eyes, «In what goddamn way do you suppose I mean? »

«Well….I noticed there were no kids anywhere and constant unspecified meat lying around so-»

Krauser lowered his knife a bit, «What are you implying? Is this your way of accusing me of being a goddamn twisted pedophile? Shit Kennedy that's just messed up, have I _ever_ proven to be _**that**_ deranged?! » he was apparently vexed and Kennedy dropped the subject before he really had his head bitten off.

Leon cleared his throat and made the object jump in his palm, «Anyway a psycho like you, and color blind no less, can't bring-»

«A boy scout like you sure isn't capable. You don't seriously think that Chrisco Greenfield can chart a new course for the world, do you? »

«….what-? »

Krauser lunged at him with his knife slicing at his arm, Kennedy rolled out of the way as Jack executed a back flip, landing on a ledge above. Leon glared at him, «That's cheating…! »

«Merely created a diversion. Come on don't just stand there, fight like a man! »

Kennedy sighed heavily at that but didn't respond to the lame taunt; instead he just shot him a couple of times, attaining both his chest then lower leg making his opponent stumble backward like an idiot.

Then Jack tossed a grenade but missed his throw somehow, perhaps he received a bug in the face or something but he did not manage to dodge his own grenade which exploded in his face. Leon lowered his weapon a bit, disconcerted, then shouted «What the _hell_ was that? »

«Shut it. » Jack jumped down and lunged at him again, Leon acted promptly and sliced his face once more, the beret got tossed aside, «Fuckin' good Leon…» before leaving once more.

Instead of losing time with the statue, Kennedy just shot the door's mechanism and exited; he was getting rather annoyed with the man's games, plus he really needed to take a piss. That gave him an idea, since this place was somewhat like a maze, Leon could just make a trail of urine in the sand to indicate where he'd already been. But just the thought of being surprised by this maniac with his private poking out of his pants made him abandon the initiative.

He walked out farther before perceiving a shadow at a corner then tossed one of his own flash grenades. Krauser staggered out of hiding while holding his face; Leon shot him once more making him falter backward again, «That's what I'm talking about…», subsequently disappearing. Kennedy got down to the lower level and shot gadgets, he even ended too close to one of them and almost got his legs severed, fortunately he possessed many First Aid Sprays concealed in his hair to heal his wound. His guns were too large though so he held them in his belt pouch which was barely wide enough to hide ammunition.

Don't worry, it all make perfect sense.

Among the ruins suddenly appeared the pink-faced hunter, he towered Leon from the ruins above, leaned back on a pillar and arms crossed over his chest as if he was just enjoying a cigar. «What do you fight for comrade? »

«My past I suppose…. »

«Listen, that time I shot you in the ass was just an accident, I was aiming for the giant monster that was trying to eat us alive, the ground was shaking plus sweat poured in my eyes and that burns a _lot_ I'll let you know. So my aim wasn't as good as it should have been in normal circumstances. »

Leon frowned severely, «….so that supposed-lost-bullet _was_ you! I got stuck in a hospital for four goddamn months, forced to rest on my front like a fucking idiot as well! And I'm not even talking about all the painstaking rehabilitation! » Krauser's face remained as unreadable, it fired Leon up some more so he yelled « _Fuck you!_ »

Jack leveled his chin a bit, «Phmf, we'll see about that. » and was gone.

«What? No I didn't mean—goddamn it! » Kennedy kicked the remnants of a broken device in resentment which only made it blow up at his balls; nothing a golden egg can't fix.

Damn, it feels like I'm advertising for eggs.

Our irritated blond soon ascended another flock of stairs then up a ladder, finding the second insignia. Krauser stood atop a broken stone wall, Leon looked at him from below «Two down, one more to-»

Jack's arm suddenly mutated, the man lifted it over his head and said gloriously, « _Witness the_ _ **POWER!**_ », a short tune, meant to put emphasis on the moment, was also heard from invisible speakers….When it died out though there was nothing but the wind howling and them staring at each other.

Leon finally blinked and said, «Krauser…..I always knew you were losing it. That one time you ate that meal you concocted in a bowl, mixing in ice cream, pickles and beer plus topped it with garlic, crushed Tylenols, skin flakes, shampoo and motor oil; was indicative enough, but it was nothing compared to when you confessed you play the flute. »

The painted face darkened even more than its usual unfriendly features, « _ **Prepare to become deaf Leon**_ _, as you'll die from my specialized assaults and hear this sentence over and again! »_

Although Kennedy had no time to prepare at all, it had been sufficient enough to grab his knife and shove it in Krauser's forehead as the one-man army fell on him. Instant death: well so much for power…

Leon looked at Jack's corpse, «Color blind…well that explains a lot of things from the past…though not why you turned into a war-fanatic psycho. Not that you ever were a real good guy, I still recall that time you pushed me into a monster's arm to save your own ass….»

Krauser had triggered a set of bombs before his mutation, Leon had been standing there lost in thought but when ten seconds remained he figured it might be a good idea to just leave. Kennedy used the last artifact he had removed from Jack's third nipple and crossed a door, he might have thought things couldn't get any more frenzied but soon realized that he had just left one battlefield for another.


	6. Vacation Required

**Vacation Required**

A wild tune suddenly started as a missile flew over his head and hit a turret, killing the idiot operating it plus sending debris of many things raining all around; some other villagers got dirt and body parts in their eyes as they stared at the sky smiling from the show. Then a clamor came from Leon's radio hanged on his belt. «BOOH YEAH! Goddamn scumbags with moldy STD's full of squirrel's shit! »

Holding a finger to his ear and wearing his most-happy face, our infiltrator stared at the chopper, «Once we get out of here, marshmallows are on me! »

«Hell yeah I know a good brand! »

The ex-redhead then proceeded into eradicating everyone with his weapon of mass destruction hidden who knows where, helped with missiles of doom from the sky which frankly weren't much help at all.

«FUCK YEH, take that you ignorant pieces of feces mixed in with piss and semen! HAHAHA! »

Leon swept the area with the barrel of his gun, though looking quite uncertain, «…ah, alright, good job….! »

«Geez yeah, now you gotta pay the food too; I know a couple of restaurants we can go to: all in one day! »

«Y-yeah, okay.»

Couple more rounds later expertly delivered from our hero, another missile nearly missed him, again. The radio screeched, «Take cover away!»

The ex-cop shot a glare upward, «Aren't you supposed to say that _before_ you fire?»

«Fuckity fuck YEAH, they're getting decimated **alright!** Once we're done here, we can go to my place and rub our cock together with oil!»

Leon's ankle suddenly twisted, missed a step and fell down the ladder he was descending; his gun went off accidentally making a hole in his leg. « _ **GAaRRrRGGHH!**_ »

«Hey, don't get over excited down there; it's a promise!»

«Ffffff….….. _uuuckkk_.»

Leon grabbed some First Aid Spray from his bottomless pouch but it released in his eyes before he could apply it on his wound, « _Fucking shit_ _I hate it when it does that!»_

«OOOoOooOOHHHH **YEAH!** » The radio shrieked and Leon felt like doing the same but for a completely different reason...

Minutes later he arrived at another location, still followed in the air by his retarded guardian angel, until a massive amount of possessed villagers showed up from behind barrels. Apparently they were throwing a welcoming party for them both, and it involved holding a bazooka and pointing it at the chopper in supreme joy.

While the engine exploded and painted the sky with new colors, Leon shot them all in the face like a pro and ran to the edge of the hill to look down at the smoking debris. «…So much for that…I wonder why I feel relieved….»

Then he left, unaware that below the fuming carcass, the poor pilot was still alive. «…..so many delicious promises…..w h y…..!?»

His body suddenly went up in flames followed by a second violent explosion.

So gratuitously hilarious.

X++++++++++++++X

Damn he could use some big juicy steak right now; he was famished as hell so much he was frantically destroying every barrel he came across in search for a snack. Although it became the least of his problem when he walked through a door and started having spasms, his eyes turning red; say hello to baby Las Plagas.

Ada walked in at that instant; she always seemed to stumble upon the nicest moments, like every other time back then as well. «Listen, we could always work together if you want-»

Kennedy swiftly turned and took hold of her neck, now smiling like a simple-minded with bloodshot eyes. And he _was_ squeezing to kill because in his fever he was actually thinking back on all those times Ashtray had gotten on his nerves.

Wong didn't want to kill him though and waste such a palatable brain and body, so she only trusted her pocket knife into his leg before sending her knee in his diaphragm. Las Plagas or not, that always hurt; Leon moved away from her, panting. She looked his face over, «Fine, let's split up.», and left through another door.

Near death experiences always prove to be convincing enough.

Minutes later Kennedy located his nightmare once more, which was being held in a cryogenic capsule. Too bad he couldn't keep her that way.

Sadder showed up behind him with his sickening stick apparently always so overjoyed. «You'll soon harbor an AWESOME POWERRRR, yet it seems you'd rather choose a very excruciating and inopportune death…you might have upset me; if I was capable of emotions. Why do you struggle against your majestic fate? »

«Rather die free than become someone's whore. »

« _Ahh_ , the audacity of youth… or foolishness! But isn't being employed by your government already a form of soiled slavery? » he thrust-hit Leon who was sent flying against the capsule which cracked the glass. Ada appeared at that point from up above at a safe distance from both men and possible strangulation, she opened fire at UsMundane. Her TMP, which stands for Terrible Mauling Power, had no effect though. The bullets penetrated the target but only to travel underneath his skin before being ejected by his hands; a nice trick indeed. Ammo-eater looked at her, «Your tickling amuses me…»

Ada's eye grew bigger «Leon, now! » Apparently Kennedy didn't learn his lesson and executed a spin kick but the leader stopped his motion then smacked him, he stumbled holding his jaw. Wong yelled «No damn it, take the girl and leave! » It really was about time since Ashtray had started regurgitating on his shoulder, just like a newborn. Wong Wing started shooting at Sadder again trying to create a diversion, then she opened fire at some conveniently well-placed barrels, now blocking the way.

UsMundane turned to her slowly, «Ahh, you entertain me, let me show you my gratitude. »

He swiftly lunged at her from below and she dodged his sharp appendage; looking at the oily limb as it retracted from under his robe she said «There are things in this world better off not knowing… this is one of them. » If bad-ass Krauser was still alive he'd say ''Just try to have fun.'' But no, he died; perhaps the use of too many flash grenades deteriorated his intellectual capacities in the end.

X++++++++++++++X

While Aid-ah had some fun, Leon pulled the teen along as he ran. Ashtray's eyes were still frozen but it's not like she ever used them so he just led the way, he ran into a kind of small laboratory and figured the equipment could be used to eliminate the parasites. He wasn't about letting her ''help'' him so he typed on the console himself and sat down, the process seemed painful and Ashtray secretly enjoyed watching him writhe and moan in there. Then it was her turn, Leon operated the machine but since she moved too much the device also removed one or two more organs; Kennedy didn't deem it necessary to voice the small details.

They ran towards a lift, well Leon did as his burden dragged in the mud behind him; then he shot a glance upward, his brows narrowing «…something's not right… and it's not just the goddamn smell either. »

The teen removed her face from the soil, «What's wrong? Did you also lose your gut on that chair? »

He turned around and sent his elbow in her face dropping her down, «You're what's wrong; stay here. » and on that he boarded the lift going up.

He found Ada held by a rope in mid-air plus bored Cult Leader who was calmly eating a cheeseburger nearby, reading a spiritual magazine. Leon looked up at the woman, «It's unlike you to sleep on the job. »

She opened her eyes, «Despite some rumors, I don't enjoy bondage; cut me loose. »

Kennedy hurled his knife which did cut the rope but the fall broke both her legs; let's underline that the goddamn useless heels didn't help to secure safe landing either. UsMundane started laughing; the blond looked his way with resentment, «What's so funny?»

«She's out of healing medicine! »

«…shit! »

«Not to worry, I'll help you both die…» on that he transformed, Leon stepped backward as he followed Sadder's mutation over his head. Meanwhile Ada dragged herself on the floor towards sexy butt cheeks and started to grope it, Kennedy shot a glance back at her, «This is hardly the best time to get better acquainted with each other! »

«Keep fantasizing, I only need an aid spray. »

«In that case search the front pocket. », he grinned.

However she merely said, «It might work on that brainless teen but not me. », Wong retrieved what she wanted from his bottomless pouch and sprayed it over her legs before running away again.

Leon's face darkened, « **Hey!** A little help here!? » he got rammed in the stomach by a hard appendage before his skull hit the metal floor. «Goddamn… not-so-much Aid-ah…»

Kennedy fought the monstrous leader with his knife, because he likes those kinds of odds, he also dodged several materials thrown his way plus played suicidal over folding bridges. A few minutes later he heard Conniving-Wong once more, «Here, use this! » then a bazooka landed near him and fortunately didn't explode upon impact, which would have been slightly problematic….

He gave her questioning eyes, «Where in the hell do you always get your arsenal!? »

«You're one to talk! », she pulled a crossbow out of her bra.

Happy-blond grabbed the weapon while quickly noticing the inscription that was written in black on it ''Special Rocket'', probably because it has a red tip which contains anti-matter designed specifically to annihilate mutated cult leaders….

Kennedy aimed and fired, Sadder didn't see it coming, most likely because he had knives stuck in each of his five eyes. The rocket made him explode into multiple fuming pieces consequently Leon received an eyeball in the face again, of course he did. He spat some unspecified liquid, « _Yuck!_ This is starting to become a goddamn habit…! » Surprisingly, despite blowing up everywhere, the sample UsMundane had been holding was just fine. Leon picked it up but soon after Ada kicked it out of his hand to have it. Leon grimaced, «Aaaaand that's the same arm you shot earlier, care to explain? »

She grinned then ran, jumped off a ledge amazingly avoiding being chopped to pieces by the helicopter's blades showing from below; one more proof she's taking extreme risks. Wong Wing moved to the cockpit before saying, «I need no chaperon. » shoving the pilot off board.

Leon stared «…she really pushed him…»

«If I were you I'd get off this island too, Krauser planted C4 everywhere; you have two minutes left. See you around! » on that she left.

«... YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE GIVEN ME A RIDE! … _ **Damn it**_ _…_ _ **!**_ _»_ he ran passed Sadder's corpse and picked up the bloody gold bars before hurrying back down.

Ashtray quickly stopped scratching her ass when she heard the lift, her distraught savior got out and sped past her « _Bomb run now!_ »

An elementary sentence, something she could understand. However she did wonder why there were unspecified red-carbonized things dangling off him.

They were descending a ladder when Leon glanced upward only to make sure she was following. It resulted in her opening her damn mouth again, « _AHH!_ You pervert! »

Kennedy slid down the rest of it, «Don't flatter yourself…», and swept the area with his gun. He certainly felt like shooting something but nothing was in the vicinity; noting he actually was allowed to. There was a puddle at his left which he eyed dreamily; how it would have helped to just drown her in there. He shook his head, refocusing.

«What are you doing, didn't you say there was a bomb!? »

«Just got tempted for a second, now hurry! » He yanked at her arm almost dislocating it; no way would he die here because of her inaptitude at everything.

They sprinted some more until Leon found his only means of get away, the always optimistic and cheerful spirit cracked once more. He blinked then cursed loud enough that it made Ashtray jump. « **DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL** , _you must be fucking kidding me! »_ a vein pumped at his temple as he shoved her in there, breaking her legs from his angered motion and persistency.

« _Leon it hurts! »_

Now let's see how Scott manages as he races against time while trying to paddle in a kayak…..The whole joyride, he cursed Krauser and his addiction with explosion devices, plus Wong Wing who was constantly just leaving him, then he cursed the entire village who lacked proper technologies. Next he ordered Ashtray to shut up several times as she complained he kept sending saline water in her face which burned her eyes.

X+++++++++X

The sweaty and dirty man was now some hard-ass hero, had saved Ashtray twenty-seven times over, demolished everything in sight on that island of Hell, and prevented them both from being blown up plus killed by a gigantic wave.

«We did it Lee-on! »

His brows narrowed plus his head darted to the right, « _ **I**_ , _I_ did it. » never had he been so pissed and hungry.

They were now moving on the ocean, Ashtray holding his waist from behind, «So… after we're back to my place, how about a pajama party but naked-? »

Leon abruptly turned and pushed her overboard then promptly left. Well, as fast as a kayak permits it. His lips were severely forced into a thin line as he glared at the horizon, not blinking.

To give up his mountain of money so close form the goal… well, that last demand had been more than he could have ever endured. Screw having the dream of having a dream; there were some goddamn limits. Back on dry land he'd just drive to Claire's and share a good steak with her; or thirteen in his case. For once since this whole nightmare started, a real smile of content graced his dirtied up features. Perhaps Lay-On Scott-Towel Keen-Eddie wouldn't turn into a homicidal maniac after all, his positive character would return once his appetite would be satiated. That is after he's taken showers of acid and slept during two months, and he won't suffer from depression if he never hears of Ashtray Graham-Cookies ever again.

Somewhere on the ocean, his name was being relentlessly called, yelled over and over. Until something gigantic that had escaped the putrid wastes converged on the girl's position. She turned her head around when some music was triggered, followed by ripples coming her way. A square button did show up right in front of her face but the lack of a remote sealed her doom; thus granting the big-ass giant lake monster with one more meal. It better savor its snack because a pack of ravenous killer whales smelled the blood of feast and were coming for its own flesh; there was going to be an impressive celebration.

You always find a bigger threat than you.

X++++++++++++++X

Somewhere in a darkened room, a certain black woman with glasses was weeping. She had just lost her job, she did try to explain that the radio they gave Kennedy was malfunctioning and that it was in no way linked to her lack of skills; but they wouldn't hear it. They even called her 'utterly useless', and they were right. She tore the pages of that Playing Manual and blew her nose in it once more.

Poor performance, indeed. Albert Wesker would have said, only if he were there; but he's off somewhere in a secret location, eating Danish. Now that's a good performance.


End file.
